This Could Get Messy....

I'm faced currently with a dilema...I was messaged today on myspace by this person...who I've been discussing in previous entries. They've figured out that I'm kinda pissed at them and I'm pretty much ready to go off on them..very...uh harshly. But at this point I'm holding myself back. Trying to think this through...I think I should set a limit...and bring things up gradually...not just get it all out there in one shot. Then there's the problem of how to phrase it...god....I need some advice on this. Where are your people to IM when you need them? But then again, part of me knows that I need to do this myself, because I'm the only who can do it...it's my issue and I need to deal with it. But I'm scared. Nobody takes me seriously most of the time...well some people anyways....most people see me as the quiet smart girl...who will always help them with Pre-Calc, or Spanish...or whatever.

I think maybed I need a moderator..atleast...I'm just scared I'm going to totally loose it by responding to this person. I don't know what to do...for now I continue talking to Stacey on myspace to distract me...and keep thinking about this situation. Maybe the words will come to me. As I've said before, drama sucks, and I hate these kinds of situations which is why I try to remain as low key as possible. Seriously...fuck my life...if I never had to leave my room again, I'd be shut off from people yes, and lonely but sometimes lonely is better than dealing with this shit.

Consider the Obvious

Today after school as I reached the car, I was asked, "Are you alright? Are you going to die?" What the hell? I can understand the first part, but where the hell did "Are you going to die?" come from? I don't even know where to begin with this, today solidified some things. I know what I have to do...but me getting the cajones to do it is another thing.

I'm not strong enough yet...I'm giving myself time to keep thinking this through so I don't royally screw myself. But uh, if I keep having interactions like this with this person then it's going to keep pushing me more and more...and I'm tired of dealing with it...so it'll be time to remove myself from this situation. Plus I loved the comment this persons sister made today...I wanted to go yes...thanks for bringing up the elephant! But of course it was quickly averted by an impromptu cell phone call. It'll come up again hopefully...parents will be told...something will be done. Maybe Josh is right.....it's not that I've lost respect for this person...which I sort of have...it's that I care....I don't know.

I had a thought today, it may sound kind of confusing and it still is to me as to the correct terminology for it. Anyways, reverse intervention...I feel like I need to have a meeting with friends or current friends anyways to say hey....this is what's up...this is my messed up head, this is what I currently think about you and what you're doing. But you know...face to face. I don't know...in my mind it doens't sound like a half bad idea but yet....getting people are willing to listen and actually take you seriously is a whole different deal. Then I say these things....how would they react? Part of me just says do it....but getting them all together and willing is yet another obstacle to this idea. I don't know...me being more open is kind of freaking people out, and I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing.

Expect From Me Some Honesty.

For the record, the last blog I posted before this one...I have no clue as to where it come from. I just picked on of my away messages and disected it. Socratic Lyrics by the way. I posted it on myspace, and now....people are freaking out. Let them freak, I really don't care. I don't take anything back...I kind of wish I went even further, but I guess I should save that for another blog. What do I have to lose?

Today was just a blah day. I was zoned out most of the day...just thinking. I did my work and kept to myself. I sat at the table this morning wondering why I am friends with some of these people. Then all through the day I went through different scenarios of what I would say on the ride home. I opted for the say nothing option for now. I considered being very hostile, saying fuck you...I'm going to take the bus from now on...but I didn't. Wasn't really angry enough today. I've just been...eh.

I got home and got my stickers and a signed note from Chad in the mail...I'll keep this forever. If I never get to meet the man...atleast I have a letter from him. The good part of my day....as everything else has been pretty much bad news. I mean seriously, who else comes home to find the microwave, the TV, car headlights, and the light above the stove all broken.

On a plus note, Bourdain is on tonight and he is so sarcastic and witty that he can always lift my mood a bit. Granted I'm watching it on a tiny ass screen instead of the good one. All these things put off my tution deposit.....which delays everything else. Maybe I should just get a money order and send the 100 bucks in myself. At this point in time....I don't see myself going to Cedar Point in the spring anyways...atleast not with whom I originally planned to go with. I don't know...we'll see.

You are the Circle, I am the Square

"Is it safe to say that we've hurt the same way?"
You and me, we share this unspoken bond of hurt. We've both been hurt in life-changing ways. We don't even know each other anymore. We want to understand each other, but our walls are built up entirely too high. We're very careful about who we allow into our lives. We can't talk about hurt, not for any length of time. We'd both rather change the subject and laugh it off. I miss us, miss the bond. I miss everything about us. I know you don't want to hangout with me anymore...I can tell by the way we both interact. It's all small talk....like we're just acquaintances and not even friends. I trust you, and you'll never be just an acquaintance to me...I just want you to know that.

"If it was up to me, I'd leave this place right now"
I have more bad days than good ones. Especially lately. I hate that I'm living my life as if I'm dying from some horrible disease and I'm settling. I want leave this town, leave these people more and more often. I tell myself I wouldn't miss the majority of them. I just want a fresh start, and I want it now. I'm sick of waiting. It's time for me to move on. Move on to bigger things, rid myself of these people who constantly contradict themselves.

"I'm never that beautfiul"
I've never been good enough for anyone. Maybe I'll be something for someone someday. Someone who sees me for me. Someone who actually cares. Someone not throwing their life away. I don't see myself as beautiful on the inside or the outside. I see someone who's trapped, who's never been given the chance to be beautiful.

"Everything I used to love changed and makes me miserable"
Things that once meant the world to me, don't matter anymore. People, who I thought I had a connection with have changed, have left, have disrespected themselves and gone too far, therefore losing my respect. Priorities in life change, I no longer care about petty things that really have no significance. Give me something that matters, give me something real to care about. Having to deal with the petty things, drains me. I want to put my energy into something worthwhile....I don't have time to half-ass things. People who don't put everything they've got into something...disappoint me. Give me lyrics with meaning, with soul, not this life is unfair lets scream about it shit. Give me a singer, some who can sing...music that isn't noise...something that makes you feel. Something that surges through your body, something that gives you this undescribable feeling of pure awe. I used to...I used to love myself...now....all I know are these thoughts....these thoughts I've grown so close to...these thoughts I have to leave forever.

I'm Ready.....I'm Ready for Something New.

I was told the other day that I'm too serious. Well...excuse me for actually caring about things. Of course the person who told me this is setting themselves up for failure in my opinion. I know it's a typical teenager thing to want to out and party and shit, but this person is a hypocrite. They say one thing and the next thing you know they're doing the things they said they would never do. They're smoking, and out getting high with a so called friend just because they think that person is the "coolest" person they know. Well you know what? I don't want to associate myself with people like that, people who can't seem to think for themselves, people who want to fit in and do stupid shit to do so. I've already made up my mind about what I may need to do concerning this person in the future. If this all gets out of hand, if they're fucked up while around me, then they can just forget it. I'm not going through this again. Once is a enough for a lifetime. I have it all planned out too....just incase. Me yelling at them...saying various things, that'll probably hurt them. But you know what? They're probably things that need to be said. I even went as far as telling this persons sister what was going down in hopes that maybe someone would try to stop this person...but uh....I doubt anyone has.

I've actually considered ending this friendship before. They do so many things that piss me off, and I'm not quite sure why we're friends still anyways, we don't have much in common anymore. Lately I keep telling myself just to make it through the summer and then you'll be away at school and they'll be in the Fort still...wasting away still. They're not goal oriented like you...they don't care. They don't take anything seriously, everything to them is one big fucking joke. It's all cartoons, guitar hero, and fast food with them. They haven't been there for you like some of your friends have. They've left you hanging too many times. It's time to move on...and come August for sure....it's over. I don't care...it's over. I need some real friends...not you. I may not know myself, but I know what I want and don't want out of life. I know that they need to find themselves and get their shit together, grow up and get out of the whole 8th grade rebel against your parents thing.

"So, is that what you call a getaway?

Tell me what you got away with.

Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish.

I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.

Have another drink and drive yourself home.

I hope there's ice on all the roads.

And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,

and again when your head goes through the windshield.

And is that what you call tact?

You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back.

So let's end this call, and end this conversation.

and is that what you call a getaway?

well tell me what you got away with.

cause you left the frays from the ties you severed

when you say best friends means friends forever"

4ish Months to Go

Today was interesting. Aside from classes, we had homeroom today. Got my report card, I'm up to a 3.4 GPA yes! Then we went and got our panaramic picture taken in the gym...it takes awhile to arrange 500+ kids. Plus, the kids in my homeroom are really friendly now which I like....it was actually fun in there today. The underclassmen had to watch the dreaded scheduling video...I'm sooo glad we didn't have to watch that. Then in every class the teachers adddressed the underclassmen about continuing with a foreign language or math class. I was worried that I might have to take Calc next year in college but I got online to BSU's site and found that I only have to take a general math class that basically just covers everything we've learnt in high school math. I think I can handle that....One math class in college sounds fine to me!

I literally got smashed today in hockey, twice. Shroyer ran me over and so did Aubrey but that's ok...it was fun. Needless to say, my shoulder is now killing me because of that. I'm debating about wether or not to bring that up at my physical I've found out I have to get for college. I know she'll probably just send me to FWO instead of NEO which is closer and more covient than FWO. I don't know my mom wants to schedule it for Spring Break so I don't miss any school. We'll see I guess. I have to go finish some Espanol for tommorrow...and later go to the library to print off my logo for marketing....gah.

Let Go Of All You Know....

So today was pretty much amazing in comparison to yesterday. The best part of the day by far was floor hockey in lifetime sports. It was fun. I was kicking ass playing defense and a lot of the guys where suprised when I actually challenged them and stole the puck from them. I was tired, hungry, sweaty, and even a bit sore afterwards...but dammit...it was fun and I don't care about all of that! I can't wait to play again tommorrow! Plus I'm really looking forward to playing soccer even if we're playing indoors. If I remember correctly freshmen year, my 6 vs. 6 team won the whole p.e. class tourney. Anything is better than dodgeball at this point.

My next task at hand, is to design a logo....based on me. Uh..ok Danely, you want us to sell ourselves? Great. I have to come up with something by Friday. Plus the first espanol test Friday but right now I'm feeling OK about that.

My biggest complaint right now is that I'm hungry....I haven't eaten enough and running around like that always makes me burn food off like crazy. Plus I finished all my Spanish and Pre-Calc at school before I left. An 80 problem set..yes!

I'm also thinking about going to Morp this year. It's going to be like a big Rave supposedly with blacklights, glowsticks and such. You know...actually use my student ID to get into a school event...since I've yet to do that haha. We'll see....depends on who's going. Ah well I'm obviously in a better frame of mind today....so tis all for me today kidz.

Don't Say It'll Stay This Way Forever.

School wasn't so bad today. Although, having a two hour delay helped. I'm sick of dodgeball. I'm sick of hearing Danley talk about football and endorsements. Doesn't he know that there are other sporting events outside of football? I have to desgin a pair of Nikes for tommorrow...full color print outs. Joy.

Didn't have much to say to anyone today. Kind of just kept to myself and did my work. Even on the ride home, I said pretty much nothing. Then for some reason, out of nowhere, Erin pops in Cataylst. God halfway through All Downhill From Here, I wanted to cry...didn't let myself though. Just stared out the window and sucked it up.

"And I can tell you’re going through the motions I figured you were acting out your part Once again, we’re playing off emotion Which one of us will burn until the end? Catalyst, you insist to pull me down You contradict the fact that you still want me around And it’s all downhill from here And it’s all downhill from here"

I can't even get through an NFG record anymore without wanting to cry....what the hell is wrong with me? I even wore my old faded out NFG shirt today...just because I haven't worn it in forever.

I keep longing to see him. I don't know what I'll say to him....if anything at all. Maybe he doesn't even have to know I'm there. Just a glimpse would do. But....if I saw him with her....I don't think I could handle it. I don't know what he sees in her anyways. I just know....I miss him, and seeing him would tie me over for awhile. Just some kind of contact that involves hearing his actual voice. God....I'm a loser.

Ready to Self-Destruct....At Any Time...

Why is that I want to see someone so much, but yet when I get a chance to talk to them I have nothing to say? 30 minutes of silence, before I give up and finally sign off. I guess we really don't have all that much to say to each other anymore.

I haven't had much to say to anyone lately. I get upset over the stupidest things. I went to go shower this morning and we don't have any clean towels. So....here I sit, haven't showered....still in pajamas I've been wearing since Saturday night. Gross I know...but I really don't give a fuck. I wouldn't put it past me to just go to school like this tommorrow.

"I feel shot down, I have nothing left, what do I got now? You left my life a mess...."

I again spent the majority of my day in bed....staring at the TV. Nobody calls, nobody leaves messages. It's just me and my talk shows. I've become this person...who I don't even know anymore. I used to do fun things, I used to be fun. I don't have fun too often anymore, I used to make everything fun. I want the fun back, I want to go to a show, and sing back every word. I want anything....anything fun.

I hate those questions on myspace surveys that ask when your last hug was, when was the last time you said/someone told you "I love you". Truth? Months...maybe years. I don't get shown affection in any way shape or form. Not from family, not from friends...not from anyone. Probably why I'll never be able to open up with others, probably why I'll never be able to connect to or with anyone, probably why I'll be this way forever...

All I've got is me....and I don't know who I am anymore. Is there a such a thing as having a mid-life crisis at 17? Except for the fact that I'm nowhere near to being middle aged, atleast I hope not...sometimes. I don't want to go back to school tommorrow and face all those people with their fake smiles...I want to stay in bed and watch my talk shows...They're on everyday....they never fail me.

School Rants.

The past few days have been...ok I guess. Besides getting my edline report either Friday night or Saturday morning I don't remember when. Anyways, my grades have dropped since last term. I'm basically flirting with a D in Spanish. I need to finish the class with a C- for Academic Honors Diploma. I know, there's 17 weeks left in the term still....stop freaking out. I can't help it, this is supposed to be the review part. I've barely passed the quizzes we've taken. Plus I need to accumulate a 100+ participation points in 9 weeks...scratch that, 8 weeks. I study....but then when I see that quiz infront me...I just blank out. Nothing that I've studied comes to me. It's so frustrating. Spanish is something that goes in one ear and right out the other. Not to mention trying to wrap my head around domains and ranges in pre-calc. All I can say about that class is that there better be a hell of a lot of extra credit this term like there was last term. I raised my grade from an A- to an A+ last term because of my 40 points E.C. and I didn't even do all that was offered. School is kicking my ass, the stress, the running around in P.E. and not eating enough iron have probably all contributed to me being exhausted all the time which doesn't help me focus any better.

Plus to top it all off. These temperatures in the teens and single digits having been reaking havoc on my shoulder/arm. I'm really not looking forward to participating in more endless games of dodgeball with it like this. I've spend the majority of my weekend in bed.....watching ER and 7th Heaven since we ventured out to the downtown library to get dvds yesterday. Of course not wearing a coat probably didn't help my shoulder any either. I've only worn my winter coat once this year to shovel snow which really tore my shoulder up. Here's hoping for no more significant snow this winter. As long as we don't do weightlifting I should be ok. I'm hoping this coming school week will be better now that I'm pretty well adjusted to the new schedule. Atleast I only have to endure four days this week.

Today Was All About Change.

I sat in fourth period today thinking wow, today's reoccuring theme has been change. Starting with Demands for certain products change in Marketing, then going to Spanish and talking about when to Ser and Estar. You use Estar when talking about things that aren't normal, things that are subject to change, such as moods. Then in math, we did increases and decreases and Mr. Hermance kept saying look for the change. I just found that extremely cool that in this little way my whole day connected together like that.

So, I've decided to make a concious effort to change. I'm going to try my best to stop burdening people with my issues, aside from blogging about them. Mostly because I know that hardly anyone whom I actually know in person actually reads this and I feel really guilty about always going to this one person and spilling my guts to them. They have enough on their plate without having to worry about me and my problems. I felt horrible last night, when I heard what was going on with them....all my problems felt so trivial and childish. Plus I think when I do that it pushes me farther away from that person. I think it makes them not want to see me or hangout with me anymore. Since I'd rather have their friendship more than anything, I'm going to back off and not self-disclose as much with certain people anymore. I need to make these and other changes before I start college in the fall. It's just something I have to do for myself. So I can attempt to not be so....vunerable at times.

"Build my walls up, concrete castle....keep this kingdom free of hassle....yeah."

Sarah Quite Possibly Took a Jump Off the Deep End.

So I changed my status on facebook to that last night. Because I've been putting myself out there more and I'm not entirely sure if that's what I should be doing. Then I read this on Joe's blog when I got home from school today...

"You know you are in too deep when you feel like everything you are doing could be better if that one person was there with you.

Let me sink.
Let me sink as deep into you as possible."

It made my heart twinge. It almost made me want to cry. I feel that way. Not about Joe of course but someone else. Now I have to explain myself to someone. I'm at a loss of words when it comes to this task. I don't know what to tell him. I don't know to even begin explaining why I changed my status to that last night. I don't know why I felt the need to break some walls down to expose myself. I don't know anything anymore. Everything is a struggle.

Something Different

First off I just want to say that I kick ass at dodgeball and today was way better than yesterday. Moving on, I'm posting something different today. It's a tiny tiny tiny piece from a story I've been writing since 8th grade. This piece was written very recently...and I'm actually feeling lazy and don't want to explain so I'm just going to lay it on ya...and if you have plot questions...then ask away.

Cole then went to Jordan’s side again.
“Baby, are you ready for your pain meds now?” she asked him. Jordan nodded weakly. “Ok, I’ll go get the doctor.” She said than gave him a kiss on the forehead before leaving the room. She came back with the doctor who gave Jordan a shot of morphine in his IV. Before it had a chance to take affect, Jordan pulled off his oxygen mask long enough to say,
“I love you Cole.”
“I love you too Jordan,” Cole said tears running down her cheeks. Then they kissed, it felt like such a private intimate moment that wasn’t meant to be seen by anyone else but yet they had an audience. They didn’t seem to notice though; they were so focused on each other that at that moment I don’t think that anyone or anything else mattered. Before putting his oxygen back on, Jordan leaned over and gave Cole’s growing pregnant belly a kiss too. Cole kissed his hand in response. He put the mask back on and collapsed against the pillows. I don’t think there was one person in that room who didn’t have tears streaming from their eyes. That was something I’d always remember. Even Gabby let a few tears go which I saw as a good sign. Cole held Jordan’s hand until the medication knocked him out and his breathing became less strained.

I'm actually working on a stand alone short story for the purpose of being put online...that is more or less based on factual events that I've sort of had experience with...so look for that in the future.

How Long Until I Graduate?

New classes. I want my old ones back! 1st period I have Sports/Entertainment marketing. I have no friends/acquaintances in this class. They're basically all jocks...and cool kids. Not cool. Class should be easy but man...it's going to be a long term. Quiz tommorrow over Marketing functions and such. Oh jou right?

2nd period is Spanish III...gah. I know people which is good but I'm going to have to study my ass off. Got a word search in spanish to do....gah. I have to know a shit load of words that I'm already supposed to know for tommorrow. I was so glad when this class was over....it was a never ending whirlwind of spanish flying at me and all crammed into 90 minutes.

3rd period, Lifetime Sports....I know people again..but we got a worksheet? wtf? This was supposed to be my blow off class! So frustrating....we spent the period in the computer lab. We're going to go on a lot of field trips though...that should be fun

C Lunch, luckily I got there early. It sucks having to carry all your shit with you to lunch though. I ate with Casey, Chris, and Nick. Plus my cousin Nick, Michelle, Anthony and some other people are in that lunch too. So it should be OK.

4th period I still have pre-calc so nothing new there....just more math...math that never ends.

How many days until June 6th when I walk across that stage at the colisieum to get my diploma? I'm seriously done with high school. The whole thing just sucks. I'm more than ready for college when I hopefully won't have class everyday. This term is just going to have a lot more work than last term....and I thought that this term was going to pretty much be a blow off term....guess not.

I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go.

I like sunny days in January. They make it seem like it's Spring already. Too bad we'll probably have some massive snow storm in the next few weeks that will change all that. Or at the very least it'll get all cold and rainy again blah.

Yesterday I went with the momz to get some shoes for gym. They're pretty awesome....blue and silver, got em' at Kohls. Plus we went to Tar-jay first and I got some new jeans and a new shirt...so people can stop yelling at me for having holes in my jeans...holes in not so good places anyways.

New classes Monday. I'm ready. I know someone in all of my upcoming classes and am open for suprises of other people I know being in them. Still don't know who I'm going to sit with in C lunch but I'm sure I'll find somebody. Ah...I'm a 2nd semester senior...5ish months till I'm out of there....for good. Plus I have to find a roommate for college in between then or atleast fill out the form where they match you up with one. Plus prom.....cedar point....spanish.....birthdays...Senior Picnic....Graduation and all that entails...I have a feeling it's going to be a busy busy Spring. A good kind of busy though. Atleast I hope so.

A Turning Point?

So I got home today and got the mail....guess what I got? My acceptance stuff from Ball State! Ah yes! I got in, now I don't have to stress about it anymore. I can finally feel like filling out scholarships are actually worth my time. My mom even took us all out to dinner to celebrate haha.

School was ok. A little dull....nothing too exciting happened. Just the usual old crap. Fighting over wether the window should be opened or closed in Crowley's class, anticpating food in Foods class, playing games and such in English online haha, and endless math homework and hearing about the latest sex scandals at school. I have an econ final tommorrow. I've studied....a little. I could fail and still pass the class so I'm not too worried about it. I'm more focused on getting my math homework done.

Ah well I'm going to go shower and then maybe....key word is maybe study a tiny bit more for Econ. We'll see....I'm just not in the right frame of mind to study tonight.

Lose Your Self....

So as you have noticed or may not have noticed by now I've posted some pictures earlier today of some art. I got bored and I've had this stuff forever...so why not post some pictures? Yes the collage is based off "Still Fightin' It" by Ben Folds. So yeah.

Today was ok. I think I'm getting stronger. Maybe. But it seems like when ever I start feeling semi-normal....something happens. Some caused by self-esteem issues, other times it's other people. The pain is slowly creeping back...I can tell. My one nice day to run around outside in shorts has passed. Winter is knocking again.

I don't feel motivated to do anything tonight. But I really really need to do my pre-calc so I don't fall horribly behind. I want to write something, something sort of new for me. I want to work on it but I'm forcing myself not to until I finish with this Econ final. Or atleast get through tonight's homework.

I hate that people throw me for loops. I hate that their actions are constantly changing. I wish I could figure them out once in awhile. I wish I could figure myself out once in awhile.

Still Fighting It Collage

Collabrative Effort with me and Miranda Freshmen year in study hall.

You can find out firsthand what it's like to be me....

So, first day back. It had it's ups and it's down. It seemed to drag on forever. I forgot what it felt like to spend an hour and a half in a class room. Talk about depressing gah. It's been a rollercoaster all day of being ok...not super excited but ok...and wanting to cry or yell or something. I hate rollercoaster days....unless I'm actually riding rollercoasters but that's a whole different thing.

Kelsey in my 2nd period as soon as I walked into the room she said...You look like the girl from Juno..haha and she's now convinced everybody that if I was pregnant I'd look like that girl. I don't personally think so...but whatever right?

Seeing some people again was nice. But yet seeing a good friend well someone who I consider/ed a good friend was bitter today. Maybe...I just needed reassurance from that person but I didn't get that. I didn't get anything from them....nothing that made me feel better. Of course I didn't exactly come out and say how I was feeling but I definately wasn't at all interested in what they were saying because it's always the same old thing with them. That and they were all shocked that I didn't do much over break...they were all...oh...you really didn't do anything besides play laser tag? Then they proceed to tell me that htey had a party at their house on New Years...real nice. I'm only a phone call away people. Seriously. I would've much rather talked movies with this person today. Especially since I've seen most of the new releases. But what ever, I don't know about me staying to close to this friend after this year...we'll see. The connection is breaking. And this time I don't think it's something I've done. Thank God.

Anyways, today feels like spring. A nice change from last week's sub zero windchills. Right now it's 65...not sunny but still warm. I can walk outside comfortable in a t-shirt and shorts. :) Snow and cold weather are supposed to be back by Friday though. We have some fucked up weather here.

I'm tired....school has drained me. I'm not used to getting up early and being forced to focus on things. By the way I woke up to my alarm clock saying that if I didn't get out of bed it was going to open up a can of whoop ass on me...haha I love my alarm clock. I have to finish my English presentation and finish some Pre-Calc. Plus dishes. I don't know how I'm going to stay awake to watch the new No Reservations tonight.

It's a Start....

Today, I cleaned my desk off. It could still use work in the storage areas but other than that. It's pretty clean...clean enough to do homework off of. Plus I had this CD rack thing sitting on the left side of my desk blocking my left speaker and man that thing must've muffled a lot of the sound because I'm listening to music right now...and I'm like wow...this sounds....different. A good different though. Plus now I can turn my monitor so it faces my bed so it's more comfortable to watch movies/tv shows online haha.

Alright well...I really don't have anything else to say for myself today. Cleaning my desk off was pretty much my day, that and cleaning out my binder/folders. It's much lighter than it was....who knew paper could weigh so much. Now...if I could only motivate myself enough to actually clean my room. That may be a summer break goal...ha. As I sit here and rolls my eyes at the very thought. :)

I'm just so tired....won't you sing me to sleep?

So at the moment I'm tired. I feel like if I went and lay down right now in bed I'd be asleep within 1o minutes. I need that kind of sleep tonight. My sleep this past week has been fucked. Plus weird dreams involving dating Clayton kind of freak me out haha. I've been going to bed at a decent hour just haven't been able to get to sleep till about 2 or sometimes even 3 in the morning.

Tommorrow...is a new day. I need to find my key...empty my math folder....and prepare myself for another week of school. I won't say I've hated these two weeks off...but they weren't exactly the greatest either.

I'm going to get better...I promise. I just...have to start somewhere ya know? Hopefully going back to school will help. And sleep...hopefully sleep will help. So that's what I'm going to go and do....sleep.

Way to go...Jerk.

Why can't we ever have meaningful conversations? Why are they always so damn pointless? They leave me feeling frustrated and even closer to breaking. I hate this. I'm so ansty. I can't sit still anymore. I'm indecisive....there's nothing I want to listen to right now. I forced myself to listen every NFG album I own..and that didn't even help. I...hate you for not caring. Yes...I said hate. Why do I even bother? You get my hopes up just enough to make it hurt even more when I get let down yet once again. I feel like tearing my hair out...I'm so frustrated and hurt...I wish my shoulder/arms were hurting more...I miss that pain. I'd much rather feel that pain than this pain. I need it...to feel alive.

The longer you hold something in...the more it drives you crazy. The more it upsets you...the more panic attacks you have. But yet...I can't seem to let it out. Atleast I'm not Britney Spears crazy....I haven't been commited. Sounds like something my parents would do though, just for the hell of it. Go ahead, it won't help anyways. Not until I can come clean with people...and nobody seems to care enough and at this point...I don't trust anyone enough to come clean with them. So for now...I keep holding on....where is my fucking Ty? That's all I want to know. I have no one like that. Only in my dreams. ha...No I'm not at rock bottom...I've been worse. There's only one thing I think that could push me there at this point....and it still has me waiting.

It's All Downhill From Here...

So...nothing matters anymore. I'm trapped. I'm stuck in this house watching endless hours of TV until Monday morning when I get to once again go to the corner to freeze my ass off waiting for the bus. Then it's home again where I'm trapped....and we start all over again. It's like being in jail...without the jumpsuits. I might as well be on house arrest even though I haven't done anything wrong. Only place I have a way to get to and from is school. School will be my life...and that's it. I'll be this zombie just going through the motions to get through the day. I can kiss about half my spring plans down the drain at this point in time. Instead, I'll lie in bed watching TV...as usual. Did you go to prom? Nope....was at home watching TV. Did you go to whatever...? Nope, at home watching TV.

This is going to take lonely to a whole new level. Someone save me. Save me from becoming this hermit...who's limited to going to school and back. After two weeks of break I'm already in a slight state of vegitation. Nothing matters....I feel nothing...I don't care. I want to...but I just don't. Take away going places like even the grocery store...and I don't know what I'm going to do. I need human contact. What's the point to this whole thing anymore?

Well...I'm not really off to do anything. I'm just stopping this entry here before I sound extremely pathetic.

So This is the New Year

I find it extremely ironic that as soon as I hit the new post button The New Year by Death Cab pops up on WMP. ha. I'm not going to say I have any resolutions because well...I truely don't. Just you know the obvious graduating and such.

Anyways, I came across this random guy's blog on APnet a little bit ago today. I always check the random newly updated ones that post because well it's something to do and it can be interesting to read what people have to say... his name is Joe. He has really bad anxiety. I thought I had bad anxiety...but no, his tops mine by far. I feel for him....I feel for this guy who is 22..who's in college in Georgia....I can relate to him...some how. I just want to hug this guy. Just say...I know what your feeling. It's going to be ok. I don't know, in some ways it's almost a comfort to me...knowing that I'm not alone in having anxiety attacks. My friends don't get it. Don't know what I go through sometimes.

I want to close this blog from a quote from this Joe guy's sig on APnet. It's actually a quote from Drew one of the news contributers but here it is, "I Wish Someone Would Write Love On My Arms...."