I'm Not Alone Cause the TV is on yeah...

So Saturday night turned out better than I thought it would. I was kind of leary I don't know why but I was. I actually had a pretty good time. Makes me want to hangout with more people....gah! Ah well soon enough I suppose. But one thing I've realized is that I definately am average. I'm not super nerdy but I'm not super anything else either. I just kind of mesh with everyone. Which is why I need a boy who's kind of like me...and there is this one guy yes the one I've liked forever now...and he's taken and that makes me sad. But...there's still hope right? ha. I don't know I just feel like I have the most in common with that guy....

I also...want a video camera..to like chronicle things. Just like random video blogs. Be like hey you know what, let's talk to the camera today and see what comes out. Unfortunately getting a decent video camera is pretty low on the list of things to purchase. haha. Well....you know my potential Mac book Pro comes first...^_^. See...a bit nerdy just like my new facebook/myspace pic. I cropped myself out of a group shot...I must've been looking at someone because I definately wasn't facing the camera ha. Plus the striped sweater that makes me look kinda chunky munky cuz I'm sitting and it scrunches up when I do that, when I stand it excentuates the good features if you know what I mean haha. And then the chucks...yep. Indie Nerd....very Seth Cohen. haha. I just needed skinny jeans and curly hair, and you know a sweater without the collar.

This is the last 35 minutes of 2007, all I have to say is that 2007 had it's rough patches....but I'd have to say it rates extremely better than 2005 and 2006. I'm hoping that 2008 will only be better. After all...no matter what, I'll be turning 18, and.....getting out of high school! Yes! Happy New Year Everyone!

Breathe....

I have a lot I want to blog about but the major thing is school next year...more about last night tommorrow maybe.

I just really need either an acceptance or rejection letter from BSU to come. All this waiting is driving me crazy. I keep reading everywhere I've gotten into like 5 schools already. I'm going shit man...I've only applied to one and I have no clue as to what I'm going to do if I don't get in. Then to top it all off I'm reading all over that the field I want to get into basically has like no jobs haha. So....that's making me question everything. If I change my major plans, then....well my parents might make me stay home and I really want to going away to college experience. I think I might just go insane too...plus then I'd HAVE to get a car and pay ungodly prices for gas and my own insurance. Ehhh.

My mind is a mess full of future decisions, which is why I need a letter. I need it...gah. I figure I'll major in T-Com and if I have to get another job after college and try to score some internships or something I don't know. We'll see. I wish I was 10 again. Anyways I'm going to go watch The Amazing Race.

This December Won't Be So Lonely...Anymore.

So I showered and attempted to straighten my hair again this morning. Gah...I think I'm going to give up on this whole straightening thing until I get some layers put into my hair. Right now it's just thick and horrible. It needs thinned out some. Plus when player laser tag I tend to get hot haha...so I just threw it up after all of that. I did spend about a half an hour on it though this time...eh. I'm too lazy to spend loads of time on my hair. Plus I blowed dried a bit first because the goop I put in says that'll make it work even better, all it did was make my hair sorta frizzy...and puffy. I think I'll pass on that step from now on. Plus I don't like the texture of my hair after I do all this shit to it....I don't want to fry my hair and have it stop growing....gah.

Anyways, my stomach is kind of janky right now. It's like blah. So...I don't know if it's hungry or if I'm coming down with something or if it's just being a bitch. I'm hoping I'm not sick because I really doooo want to go play laser tag...I haven' t played since my freshmen year...which is entirely too long ago. Plus I hate stomach illnesses period.

OH! and I woke up to find I have this weirdo rash under my arm....god guys, I'm falling apart, not to mention my left shoulder has been hurting again...grr. Stupid thing kept me awake for awhile last night it hurt so bad. Trouble is, nobody believes me. Maybe because I have too many aches and pains? Getting old sucks.

So...I've been busy though this morning, I did dishes, I played a game of dominos and lost, showered, ate an orange...and it's not even noon yet...and I got up around 9:30 so yes. I think I'm going to go lie down or somethng...maybe eat some saltines?

Still Waiting...

Today I was playing Bingo and listening to music when I had an idea for either a short story/ music video thing. That I kind of want to pursue, but I don't know we'll see. Sometimes I think like that and when I try to sit down and write it out, I never can. We'll see, I still have a week of break left to piddle around with. Of course I'm supposed to be hanging out with Joshers sometime in there but we'll see.

Tommorrow is laser tag with Casey and friends for his birthday. That really makes me want to do something for my birthday with my friends. It'd be the first time ever in my almost 18 years of existance. I guess we'll see, I need more cash for the things I want to do. Why is Senior year so damn expensive? haha. I should keep my mouth shut though because I haven't hit college yet and that's going to really clean me out. Still waiting for that acceptance letter though...heh. I did fill out one scholarship today though, so goooo me.

I really don't have anything else to say.....I think I'm going to go see what's on the farmer five and attempt to write.

So...

Head over to the Myspace Blog for my Top 10 Albums of the year with pictures! haha. I'm too lazy to put it on here, so if you really want to know head over to my myspace and check out the blog. It's public so you don't have to have a myspace or anything.

Samsungs Suck.

Samsung DVD players that is. I turned the stupid thing on around 11:30 ish, and it finally loaded around 1 but I had to eat so I just let an episode run. I come back go to the menu to try and restart and it locks up...so I have to take the disc out and put it back in...stupid piece of crap won't load the stupid disc. GAH! I just want to watch my 4 episodes of ER man...

Anyways, I hope everyone had a good holiday! I got.....a straightener....I used it for the 1st time today and damn my hair looks decent for once. It's not all lopesided and extremely puffy ect. Plus people say it takes like an hour? Not for me, It was 15 minutes tops. The longest part was waiting for my hair to dry because blow drying takes forever with my hair...so I just let it naturally dry. And getting to the back was hard for me...but I think I'll get better at it. I also think that maybe in a month or so I'm going to get my hair cut and get more layers in it....not much shorter...just a trim and layers. Anyways, I also got lottso candy..haha. Plus a watch...that I probably won't wear..it's not...me. And...I got a bag for gym class..to haul my stuff and I think that'll work well. Well I got that last night but still haha. Plus I got a tar-jay giftcard and some cash....so the only thing I need now is a pair of gym shoes for gym class.

My mom wants me to fill out more scholarships but I really just want to kick back and hangout over break. I guess I'd be more motivated if I had been actually accepted into Ball State but I haven't heard anything yet from them and I'm actually getting worried and thinking the worst like....god what if they lost my ap...or the counselor part? gah! So I don't know, maybe next week? lol.

Ah well I think I'll go wait for my stupid freakin' DVD to load or throw the player out the window....haha. Everybody chip in 5 bucks and by Sarah a nice new progressive scan DVD player for her Birthday...you have 3 months.....Go!

T'was The Night...

So...it's Christmas Eve. I'm sitting here waiting for a DVD to load, I never should've turned that stupid player off...grr. Ah oh well, I have a belly full of delicious chili oh yes. I'll be eating it like for the next week or so for lunches. I love the stuff though so that doesn't bother me at all.

I wrapped gifts today. My wrapping skills have improved some but I still suck. I get frustrated with it so I just scrunch stuff up and plaster some tape on haha. Tommorrow is Christmas...and I don't know, I was more excited I think...last week than I am today. Today it just like heh....whatever, another day, another family gathering, another chance to pick up some wierd ass illness from my cousins. Plus, get this...that side of the family has all been exposed to TB....so I may have to get a TB shot...oh jou..heh. I thought I was done with shots for awhile after I got my menigitis shot. Merry Christmas Sarah, here's a TB shot. I told my Mom to ask my Aunt to get us surgical masks....but nobody ever takes me seriously when I say stuff like that. Ah oh well. It's only my health right? I have no clue as to what I may be getting....well I do...from the extended family. I got my 50 dollar Savings Bond in the mail today from my Grandpa...I have 17 of those now. Which isn't a bad thing. Then we'll also get some rinky-dink toy that I'm too old for, and a piece of fruit and nuts. Then from my other Grandparents I'll get either a mall giftcard or cash just because they always say every year that they don't know what size I am or what I like...which is A-OK with me. Then we get assorted food things from the Uncle with all the cousins...that are like diseased. haha. Then from my other Aunt and Uncle we usually get a family game or something like that. We started doing family gifts after the 5th or 6th kid that my Aunt popped out....we're up to 8 now. So it's a little pricy to buy 8 kids gifts along with everyone else. Then maybe if we're lucky we'll get giftcards from the Aunt who we don't see much anymore...well I see Nick...but we do go to school together and are locker buddies. I gave him cookies...so maybe I should at the very least expect cookies back? That'd be just fine with me.

Ah oh well...Merry Christmas Everyone! And if you don't celebrate Christmas then Happy Holidays!

I Fucked Someone With Words....

It's been a productive week. The only productive things I have left to do this week are filling out my Pre-Calc notecard, taking my Pre-Calc final, and...yeah.

I made cookies today to hand out to friends/locker buddy at school tommorrow. Plus I'm making Black Beans and Rice in Foods class. By the way Corn Beef and Cabbage is pretty dang tasty so don't go eww...give it a chance.

I have not acted on the situation previously mentioned besides actually communicating with that person today....not that I've gotten any form of communication back from them though. Oh well. I'm hungry.

I went to Christmas shopping tonight. Yep. Bought some nifty stuff for people, that they'll actually use. Food makes great gifts people haha. Anyways enough procrastinating...I need to get that notecard done...so I can eat and then go shower and then crash early again tonight because that was like heaven in a blanket last night.

Oh yeah, B.A.R.T. stands for Bay Area Rapid Transit. Yeah the kids in Econ call me the computer and are amazed by my useless random knowledge of things. Dum Dum Suckers are made in Bryan, Ohio too, incase you were wondering.

It's Kind of Like....

Breaking up, except that we're not going out. I almost feel like I need to make a definte end to the whole friendship. How do you end a friendship anyways? How you do you keep them from asking questions? How do you get over it? Is is this something I'm going to regret? Yes....probably to the last one. But I'm about 95% sure I need to do this. But I feel like I need to explain myself and not just say you know what...I can't do this anymore. I can't be friends with you. I don't want to talk to you anymore and I don't want to hangout with you. Even though without you I'll be a complete mess. But you don't realize that the closer I get the more dangerous it is....for me anyways. I get more attached and that's not a good thing because then it's harder to let go. Maybe I should just say it like that and he'll be left going "What the Hell just happened?"

I don't know...we'll see what happens. If worse comes to worse, I have my buddy Michelle who seems to do all my dirty work concerning boys for me. She's 3 years younger than me...they have no clue as to who she is and she's not afraid to let them have it haha. I just don't think I can end this relationship through a nasty email this time. Because I really don't have anything nasty to say to him. But I'd say some stuff that'd make things really ackward and the state of the friendship would most likely decline anyways so I might as well end it right?

God this is going to be hard.

Let Me Slip Away....I'm Barely Holding On.

I don't think I should've gotten out of be this morning. I've only awaken to bad things. First I flip on the TV and school is closed. Fuck now we have to make up a day and that throws everything off. Plus I hurt all over. Not to mention when I found this out I was cranky anyways because I had trouble sleeping last night. I did go back to sleep only to find some other shit out and now I'm just really pissed/upset. So whatever.

I'm done. Done with him. I've decided I need to stop talking to him otherwise I'm just going to string myself out on this false hope. So I may as well just end this whole sham today. Who am I kidding anyways? I can't be in a relationship with anyone anyways...I'm not stable enough for that. One day I'm fine and happy and the next it's the complete opposite. Besides what's so great about me anyways? I'm pretty damn boring if you ask me.

I just need high school to be over. I need to get out of here. I need to leave all this shit behind. Here's to getting out of this place, and cutting yourself off from someone who you thought cared.

Can't We Just Dissappear?

"This is where I say I've had enough

and no one should ever feel the way that I feel now.

A walking open wound,a trophy display of bruises

and I don't believe that I'm getting any better, any better.

Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring

and I'm thinking awful things

and I'm pretty sure that few would notice.

And this apartmentis starving for an argument.

Anything at all to break the silence.Wandering this house

like I've never wanted out

and this is about as social as I get now.

And I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you'cause they would never do, I would never do, never."

Standing on the Edge of Morning...

So we only got about 6 inches of snow. But it was still enough to have to dig out this morning. So now I'm sore, mainly on the left side of my body. And I'm tired. It's one of those days where I just want to crawl in my nice warm bed under the covers and read, watch good TV, or good movies. But sadly, I have no DVDs to watch and no books to read. And there is pretty much nothing at all on TV to watch ....on the Farmer 5 anyway. So here I am blogging, putting off that damn Econ paper. I should really stop whining about it and just finish the damn thing.

I really want to write another juicy good blog that ends up being myspace worthy but I'm just not feelin' it right now. Those always come to me at the most random times. I thought about it yesterday but then I decided it was just a rant about how our parents have fucked us all up in various ways. And I just didn't want to go there, so I opted to play Bingo instead.

I'm sooo ready for it to be Friday so I can handout cookies. For some reason this time of the year is kind of exciting compared to last year. It's almost like I'm 8 years old again waking up at 3 in the morning out of pure excitement. Of course I used to be that way about starting school....now it's like go away...let me sleep. haha. It feels good to be excited about something again though, this time of year has been pretty good in comparision to the last few years. Lets see the next loose sleep because I'm so excited thing will either be Cedar Point....or something equally as exciting. We'll see.

Well....I REALLY am going to go FINISH my term paper now. Oh yeah and just because I'm super unlucky all this snow will probably melt before I get to go sledding. Agh.

Will You Go To Prom With Me? And Dance and Dance....Dance...

So maybe after this snow storm we can go sledding? Once I dig up my sled haha. We'll certianly have enough if we get the foot we're supposed to get. Anyways my arm has been killing me all day and I'm not looking forward to helping my dad dig out tommorrow. He wants to take me out driving in the snow too...gah! If I crash...come visit me in the hospital...or when I'm laid up from injuries!?! lol.

I have to finish my Econ paper tommorrow..blah not looking forward to that. But I'd rather do that then shovel and drive. Ha. We may not even have school on Monday though. So whatever.

My mom is pretty excited about me wanting to go to Prom this year...she's all like we're going to go with your Aunt Suzi and buy a dress and then before prom we'll get your Senior pics taken and you can wear the dress in one of them. Ugh...I think should just sit at home like a loser like last year? lol. Nah...I need to find a date though..even though just going with friends wouldn't be a bad thing...unless they all have dates. Eh. Too bad a lot of my guy friends have girlfriends or....have major crushes on other girls. Bastards. Lmao just kidding guys. Well Prom isn't until May so I guess I have time to find a date....plus new classes maybe potential guys for a date in those...who knows.

Wow...my music is on shuffle but Say Anything keeps popping up. Crazy. Anyways. That's pretty much all I have to say.

The State of My Heart....

So everything was going ok today, until I got to 4th period. It wasn' the class or the homework, it was the conversation going on around me. Now first off, I don't know their stories and they don't know mine. But I don't know if I'd go telling people a good way to get out of school is to go to therapy. Sure I think of the girls who disclosed a lot about her situation might need some but the other two...not so much. Sorry but not getting your way every time does not constitue being depressed and having a shitty day.

I sat there during the conversation, biting my tongue....well not literally but I held back anything I had to say and just did my work. It was another one of those situations where someone says something that offends you and they have no idea. But yet it really gets to you....the same thing happened last week when I was talking to one of my friends. I didn't want to say anything....to avoid ackward questions and silences. So I sucked it up and played along. Even though I did get a little snappy at them later. It's one of those situations where you try really hard just not to cry.

I need him right now. I just want to talk...nothing more. I've had this urge the past couple of days just to go over to his house and be like here I am...lets talk. Let's hangout...lets....I don't know. That would be the most amazing Christmas present ever to just spend some time with him....even if it's just for like 10 minutes...that's fine, I just....he's the one person I can count on to make me feel better most of the time because I get this crazy good feeling when I'm around him.

It's Always You In My Big Dreams.....

I'm feeling quite accomplished right now. I've gotten 7 pages out of 9-10 typed for my English term paper. I'm just waiting to get the other couple of them back from the teacher with corrections so I can do those, and then all I have to do is number, write an intro and conclusion, and work cited page. Yes. Oh yeah and a couple more parenthetical sources wouldn't hurt either. Plus I've started on my Econ paper, only like 3 paragraphs but it's a start and I actually did reasearch today. Yes.

My arm is yet again killing me today. It hurt so bad in math I thought I might cry. I seriously hate this, I've taken some asprin, still waiting for it to kick in. Hopefully it'll cut the pain some.

Why can I not go a day without thinking about him? At the most random moments he pops into my head....in class on the way home from school, just random things I see make me think of him. Just more of a reason why I want to see him.....even after last week's whole thing. But I really need to focus on these stupid term papers grr... next week I'm home free, just have a math final...but other than that I'm good. Plus I'm makin' cookies for people! whoo! I'm more than ready for winter break.

Who's Gonna Make Me? !? Make Me!?!

So I should be working on atleast re-typing my English term paper that's due Friday or Thursday...I think. Ah well it's due sometime this week. But obviously I'm blogging instead. I think I'm going to just sit down tommorrow night, put on some good tunes and hammer it out so I can finally start my Econ term paper. Uh...whoops. :) I'll be so glad when this week is over and I'm term paper free until college!!! YES! Because I'm pretty sure that we won't have papers in Espanol, Gym, or Sports Marketing.....or Pre-Calc for that matter.

Maybe I'll start during my two-hour delay tommorrow....nah. Sleeping is sooo much better. We had an ice storm this weekend. Still hoping we don't close so we'll still have only a 4 day week when we get back from Winter Break. Plus we've figured out that we can't miss any days because we want a 5 day weekend in May...assuming that Sr. Skip day will fall on the week of Memorial Day Weekend. We're thinking possibly a 2 day C-Point stay at this point. Oh yes.

Anyways, I really don't have much else to say....I blog entirely too much. By the way, my arm still hurts mucho. Gah.

Well Isn't That Great....

People shouldn't let me Google or Webmd things. Ha. I was curious as to why I get white spots under my finger nails....and I found out, that it's a sign of either a zinc or iron deficincy or both. Great....

Does that make your left shoulder/arm hurt like a bitch too?

I Used to Have a Heart...

In some sick twisted way, I'm enjoying the pain in my arms tonight. Usually I don't. But right now I'd rather feel that than the emptiness. So I'm not reaching for the hoodie or blanket to keep them warm, I'm just leaving them alone for now.

I had dreams.....today after school, of sledding. Everyone was there. We were having a great time. Snow was being thrown at eachother....something good happened between me and someone. Good is actually an understatement....it was amazing and I wish dreams like that would come true. Well the dream was great, until somebody I don't remember exactly who pushed me on my sled of course down the hill when I wasn't expecting it and I some how broke my arm? lol.

I would love to go sledding this winter....I think it'd be fun. I guess the problem lies in getting other people who think it'd be fun to do too. 2-3 more inches tonight. Another 2 hour delay possibly...we'll see.

You Can't Decipher Deflections from Reality But Neither Can I

We got 3 inches of snow tonight, 3 more are supposedly coming by this weekend. Anyways we had a 2 hour delay this morning and I wanted so badly to sleep in but I started having these nightmares and they were just horrible. So I forced myself to get up and get rid just to avoid the nightmares that were all too real. My nightmares aren't as ficitional and absurd as my regular dreams. They're real....like what's happening in the dream could really happen. They're the kind of thing that ruins your mood, gets you thinking about things you weren't actually thinking about for once. Get you stressed out....

These dreams will probably never go away, I'll have them again....and again. It's events that scar you for life, that cause these dreams. Events that scare you. Events that cause you pain just thinking about them. It just leaves you wanting to feel secure....you don' t like feeling vunerable. You don't like the fear... You want a hug...some kind of reassurance. But you left alone with your thoughts, and hope that this weekly or sometimes daily occurence ends sometime in your life.

"What do you do when your lifes a disaster? And you're moving faster and it's getting harder to breathe...."

Today Was A Day Just Like Any Other.

But, I was in an exceptionally good mood all day. Maybe it was that can of grape juice I had for breakfast. Or Peanut Soupe...or that amazing Greek salad Bernice and I made. Maybe, I'm just getting better at all of this. Certainly better at managing time anyways. I've realized that having some structure and routine things isn't entirely a bad thing. I like reading things and analyzing them for English class. I like challenging math problems that take up half a sheet of paper just for one problem. I like the possibility of 3-5 inches of snow, it's an adventure an exciting one. I think that's how I'll treat college, god willing I get into Ball State. I won't freak out....I'll be like cool a new adventure.

Well, I'm off to get lost in a good album and some Pre-Calc homework. I still feeling like dancing.

Just Let Them Think There's No Place You'd Rather Be

Today I'm kind of hyper feeling. I've been very talkative today and no I haven't had an caffine haha. So yeah, I've been singng along to great songs and just yeah jammin'. That'll all change once I start my pre-calc homework, it's not hard, I'm just in too good of a mood to do it.

It may be the whole watching both NFG dvds thing this weekend that has contributed to my good mood. Some how watching those always is fun and makes me feel gooood. It's the NFG drug I think...they get my endorphins going haha. Plus all the NFG interviews that happened to pop up this weekend too were pretty nifty even though they were your generic boring interview questions that have been heard a million times by now.

I made a Christmas 07' mix this past weekend, I burned it today after school. I tried to burn it yesterday but my burner was like running too fast haha so it errored out after 4 songs. But I fixed it and everything is copasetic. So yes, I have Christmas 05' mix and now 07'...last year was just blah haha. This year I'm too psyched about everything in general. I'm actually excited about things and that's a great feeling to have again.

And just for the record, No I don't have Senioritis yet....haha. I know a lot of people who do have it and I don't. Mostly because it's either too hot or too cold to sleep in class, and I don't know, I don't really have that much homework. Aside from term papers agh. I'm sooooo ready for college though so accept me already and graduate me and let's make it mid-August 08' already! ha. I'm actually excited about life time sports...because I'm hoping to play soccer and flag football.

Alright well that's all for me now kidz. I'm going to continue having fun atleast until my mom gets home then I'll make it look like I'm working hard at my math for awhile before I start writing some more.

Music Thingy
1. Open up the music player on your computer.
2. Set it to play your entire music collection.
3. Hit the shuffle command.
4. Tell us the title of the next 20 songs that show up (with their musicians), no matter how embarrassing. though honestly, if you liked the band enough to rip/download the music, you should not be embarrassed by it.
5. (optional) quote your favorite verse(s) from each one


1.Caroline Yes by The Kaiser Chiefs

2.Better Love by Steel Train

3.Don't Want to Stay by Rock Kills Kid

4.Tenth Street by Valencia

5.My Nine Rides Shotgun by Brand New

6.Catching and Killing by Youth Group

7.Hit Or Miss (Acoustic) by New Found Glory

8.Sowing Season (Yeah) by Brand New
"I am not your friend. I'm not your lover. I'm not your family."

9.Whiskey Rose by New Found Glory

10. The Great Houdini by New Found Glory
"Did You Notice Anything, that changes me? Is it safe to say, that I'll never be the same without you?"

11.Monday Morning by Prozzak

12.Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too by Say Anything
"If I Die and go to hell real soon, it will appear to me as this room"

13. La La Lie (Acoustic) by Jack's Mannequin

14. That Time by Regina Spektor
"Hey remember that time when we decided to kiss anywhere but the mouth?"

15. End of the Roady by Me First and the Gimmie Gimmies

16. The Moment I Said It by Imogen Heap

17. Heaven Isn't Too Far Away by New Found Glory

18. Fractions by Emery

19.How It Goes by Billy Talent

20.The Government Totally Sucks by Tenacious D