Lets See...

If last year there was roughly 100 days of summer and this summer is very similar I'm sure. I have 53 days as of today until I go back to school so that means by the end of the week summer will be half over. Which is ironic when you think about it, because today is the first official day of summer.

At least I know that for the whole month of July I will be working which is great. I don't know about any work in August though we shall see, well at the library anyways. I know I'm going to be working my ass off on desk at school when we go back for the first two weeks, can we say probably a 40 hour check for the first pay period? Yeah it's going to be that insane.

I'm ready though, the only thing I want to do the rest of the summer is have fun with Adam when possible (when we're both not working haha), find some stuff in my room I've been looking for that I really need to find, and then get my bike out so I can start building up that cardio endurance again that I had the summer before my freshman year of college so I'm not dying in aerobics this fall. I know I can do it, it's just a matter of getting back into shape. I noticed yesterday that my lifting at work has definitely toned my arms, maybe not Jillian Micheals toned but if I flex there's definite muscle definition.

So now I just wait for financial aid award letter, which will come in July hopefully. And for roommate assignment which will probably come towards the end of July. I'm more nervous about the second one. What are the odds that I'll get another roommate who's pretty cool?

But anyways I thought I'd just express my excitement at realizing summer is pretty much half-way over. On July 14th, I'll have roughly a month to go. And that's roughly 3 weeks away so yeah. A month and 3 weeks to go. As much as I don't like work sometimes it really does help the days not drag sometimes. Having fun people at work helps like Lauren and Elaine. Anyways I should get dressed or something for the day.

Hi.

Anybody want to buy a volvo? I'm sick of having a car already. Everybody has expectations from me now. I hate driving now. I hate work. I hate my brain. I hate my stomach. I hate that all I do is have people unhappy with me. I hate that I'm the party pooper. I hate my body. I hate that nobody gets it. But oh well no one ever has. I just want things to go back to the way they were. Before this dumb car came into my life. I just want my old life back where everybody was happy or at least more happy than they are now.

I'm starting to think I don't deserve happiness. It's just my job to try to make people happy but I'm starting to think more and more that I don't matter. As long as others are happy I won't be miserable and I guess not being miserable is an ok settlement between happy and miserable. If I'm upset oh well...the world doesn't care. I get it. It's my problem I'm upset...I do it to myself.

There's so many bridges engulfed in flames behind me

Everybody else in this house just gives up or backs out of things. Makes me feel like not pushing on. I can't make anyone happy these days. Yes I have a car now, and apparently I don't drive it enough. Sorry for being careful with my money but I guess that's wrong too according to numerous people.

All of this is just giving me a headache. I feel like lying in this bed for 3 days and not moving then maybe atleast I wouldn't be dragging everyday at work. Speaking of which I'm not as good as the other staffers, I'm not as old or as educated. I'm the young in-experienced one. I'm the one who gets cussed out by patrons. I'm the one who gets to deal with a lot of crap. It doesn't matter that I made 750+ butterflies today or that I cut out the center of 150 paper plates or that I have more sections of shelf reading than anyone else or that I clean up other people's messes and have to deal with kicking kids out of the computer lab the hard way because people are too lazy to write numbers down when they know we're going to get slammed that day.

Beat me up so more go ahead. I just want to hit fast forward. I have 8 weeks left in this hell hole known as Ft. Wayne. People wonder why I want to leave and never come back. The whole mentality sucks here. I don't want to be my grandparents and drive 40,000 miles a year for entertainment purposes. Yeah it's nice to go and do things but if I'm just driving to drive and have no destination or purpose for driving then why waste the gas or put the miles on my car?

People say they have anxiety...bull shit. Don't talk to me about anxiety. They're the ones who cause my damn anxiety. I have sleepless nights full of nausea. I wake up in the middle of the night dripping in sweat with my heart pounding. I have fears plenty of them. No way in hell do want to depend on a chemical to correct this though. Fuck that. I can deal without that shit. Unless you have a fear of like everyday things like I don't know going to the grocery or something you're fine. Suck it up and learn to deal, it's life.

As you can tell I'm fairly angry right now. I'm frustrated with myself, my job, and with being at home. I just want to get out of here and away from this place that just sucks the life out of me. It's like a leech slowly draining my spirit...I crave things like going to class, walking to go like everywhere I need to go, other things aside from PBJ for lunch, a normal schedule, getting decent sleep, getting to hangout with people who don't constantly bitch at me all the time about this and that, and oh yeah not having to worry about my personal property being damaged or sold. Plus I'm tired of having to worry...I do worry you know? Worry that I'm very replaceable. That I'm not around enough to justify keeping me around. Worry that all I do is say the wrong things and do something stupid.

Ah well I guess I'll have to take my own damn advice and stop bitching and suck it up.

Something Left to Give...

So as I'm sitting here waiting for my brownies to cool I've just been listening to music and thinking about how this past week at work we've started doing book lists again and I happened to get the one that had to do with children and grieving. This threw me back to the story and really made me want to go back and re-read it yet again. I have to believe that it's some of my best work fiction wise. (I've written way better non fiction shiz for classes but it's not the same kind of animal.)

I guess that just goes to show that I'm still attached to those characters a little bit. Not as much as I used to be because I can't seem to continue on with it, but I still like to go back and remember. Just like to go back and re-read old blog entries to remember or try to bury things further in the past depending on the situation or time. I think re-reading blog entries especially is just one more way to know that things were real that they really did happen. I really did feel those things.

I've also noticed that my musical tastes have changed based on emotions/things that are going on in my life. Some songs that used to be on repeat are frankly depressing to me now. Or at least when I listen to them it in a way takes me back to what I was feeling when I played the shit out of them. Late nights with my good ole' Dell jukebox listening to music to block out everything else. I'm not who I used to be...I find myself no longer expecting the worse as often but thinking about the great things that the future may hold for me. I still hurt and ache but I try not to let myself have the time to sit around and dwell on that. My biggest challenge at the moment in my life is just finding enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do. Like re-reading things haha or watching dvds or listening to music or even reading other books.

But I'm also tired especially at the moment, so I am going to go check to see if my brownies are cool enough for foil and then get some sleep so I'm ready for what tomorrow has in store.

Day 07 – A song that reminds you of a certain event

When I first heard this song I didn't take the literal meaning of it. Boy & Girl love drama. When this song first came out it was the Summer of 06' and I remember I had just put it on my mp3 player before that night....and I just remember being so tired and having the worst stomach at my Grandpa's the next day and just laying on the floor upstairs and listening to this song. It's not my fault...but yet it still has a deep scar in me and it's painful to remember. Luckily Coming Home came out a couple of months later and for some reason it was the perfect NFG album for me at that time. So NFG, I thank you.

Day 05 – A song that reminds you of someone

Hi everyone, sorry I fail at this 30 day song challenge, but lets just do this...when ever I have time and feel motivated to keep going I will. So now is a good time to post day 5 of the song challenge.

30 Day Song Challenge

So I saw this one someone's blog and thought it looked like fun so I think I'll start this tomorrow. :-)

Day 01 – Your favorite song
Day 02 – Your least favorite song
Day 03 – A song that makes you happy
Day 04 – A song that makes you sad
Day 05 – A song that reminds you of someone
Day 06 – A song that reminds of you of somewhere
Day 07 – A song that reminds you of a certain event
Day 08 – A song that you know all the words to
Day 09 – A song that you can dance to
Day 10 – A song that makes you fall asleep
Day 11 – A song from your favorite band
Day 12 – A song from a band you hate
Day 13 – A song that is a guilty pleasure
Day 14 – A song that no one would expect you to love
Day 15 – A song that describes you
Day 16 – A song that you used to love but now hate
Day 17 – A song that you hear often on the radio
Day 18 – A song that you wish you heard on the radio
Day 19 – A song from your favorite album
Day 20 – A song that you listen to when you’re angry
Day 21 – A song that you listen to when you’re happy
Day 22 – A song that you listen to when you’re sad
Day 23 – A song that you want to play at your wedding
Day 24 – A song that you want to play at your funeral
Day 25 – A song that makes you laugh
Day 26 – A song that you can play on an instrument
Day 27 – A song that you wish you could play
Day 28 – A song that makes you feel guilty
Day 29 – A song from your childhood
Day 30 – Your favorite song at this time last year


A storm is rolling into the area and it reminds me of summer. I like it. I remember when I used to be scared of storms, but now I've come to almost enjoy them. You know as long as I don't have to get drenched (although on a hot summer day I really don't mind). Plus I'm just chillin' in my room looking out my window, listening to some great music...what could be better than that? Well a few things but this is still pretty great :-)

...

1) Birthdays don't mean shit when you get older
2) This week would've been better spent in bed
3) Double Standards are ridiculous
4) Oh yeah and it's always good to know you're easily replaceable buy a white box
5) Plus, I have a feeling I will always be oppressed and censored in my life, because whatever I say is always wrong.

I Was Pretty BA when I was Younger...

Now I'm just lame haha, tonight we were comparing music that we listened to when we were younger middle school/high school aged. Let's just say I was not rocking Back Street Boys or N'sync, although I think they may have thought I was lying when I said I didn't listen to them, but oh well I know the truth.

Went and saw ABSO tonight, the crowd was lacking but it was still a good time. I get to finally sleep in tomorrow yes! I'm pretty excited haha, hopefully I won't have to take a nap tomorrow. I don't know, lately I've been feeling really drained by the afternoon and can't seem to keep my eyes open. I hope it goes away and isn't anything serious.

Any who just thought I'd update real quick before heading off to bed to enjoy my sleeping in-ness.

Are You Feeling Fine?

Can today be over with now?

Let's see today I failed an Econ quiz. Told people how I felt about a Tcom project because it sucked. Then had somebody email me about apologizing, when it wasn't even directed towards them it was just about the project in general. And I hate that fact that the only grade we're getting on the project is based off of peer evaluations.

Should've saw it was going to be a shitty day last night when the neighbor's next door we're super noisy while I was trying to sleep and then when I did fall asleep I woke up an hour later from a panic attack. Fun times. Then woke up this morning with what seems to be the start of another sty, plus I'm tired...and just want to go to bed.

Actually I kind of just want to go burn a lot of energy so I can just collapse into bed tonight and fall asleep. Which I may go do later I don't know, I'm charging the shuffle up just in case.

Today is just one of those want to curl up under the covers and watch tv and not have to deal with the world anymore days.

You Can Do Better Than Me...But I Can't Do Better Than You

With each passing day time seems to drag on longer and longer. The feeling of an elephant sitting on my chest just gets strong and stronger.

I've resorted to playing dozens of facebook aps, farmtown, farmville, ninja warz, cafe world, restaurant city, just to name a few. Hey fish tacos are done time to get back on the computer, cabbage is done growing, time to get back on the computer.Ah I've filled up all of my counter space, what now? In between I sit/lay watching tv shows I'm not really paying attention to. Just gotta have the noise...the silence is deafening.

Yay Spring Break...if I don't have a job this summer, I will probably go insane.

Spring what?

So far Spring has been a typical break off of school. Lying around watching TV/movies...sleep. Being slightly depressed. At least the weather doesn't totally suck.

Hate breaks though...too much tension surrounding them. Tension = not cool.

Anyways back to my movie...eh.

Hi February...

Just got done having two snowstorms hit Muncie this past week. Ohhh what fun.

It's been an ok past couple of weeks. Luck certainly hasn't been on my side but oh well, I'll hit my lucky street again sometime soon...hopefully.

Not much really has been going on just school, work, homework, me wanting to sleep.

Oh but I did go see Jesse Jackson speak last night, I figured I could do my speaker critique over him for Com 210.

Well I know this is super brief but I'm tired and can't think of much to say, maybe next time I'll consider blogging when I'm more awake or motivated...like you know Spring Break when I'm bored haha.

I Didn't Totally Forget this Blog..

Whoo update! First I want to say hi to my international readers and I'm glad I could help with your school assignments, even though I didn't know I was helping but it's all good and cool.

Sitting here getting ready to go to bed in a little while. Downloading OK Go's new cd and Motion City Soundtrack's new CD as well. We'll see how good they are when and if they ever finish, wifi sucks sometimes.

Speaking of music, my history of popular music class is pretty awesome, I have to write a paper comparing two songs but different versions of them such as All Along the Watchtower performed by Jimi Hendrix and Bob Dylan, so yeah pretty sweet. Plus I have significantly less writing to do this semester! YEAH! So glad to be done with English 104. Even though I do have a paper a week due for EDHI and occasional other small writing assignments. But overall this semester is looking to be pretty good and laid back once I figure out my living situation for next year. Depends on my RA ship and all that good stuff. Arghness. If I don't get that I'll be saving all my pennies from work this summer granted I get the job again the library. Hopefully I will!

Alright well I think I'm going to go do something else, note I didn't say something productive. Again I'll try and update more often than I did last semester.

Tommorrow We Venture Southward

I should be packing something but I'm lying in bed listening to music and on the computer. My back has been hurting all day from shoveling snow yesterday. Plus my throat has been dry and scratchy and I've been coughing with some slight chest pain/burning. :-/ I really hope this passes and I don't get a full blown cold/bronchitis or whatever. I don't have time for that with classes starting next week ahhh. That's why I've been kind of resting and taking it easy today.

I've been meaning to update my ipod today but never got around to that either, I suppose today isn't over quite yet but I'm just feeling super lazy today. I'll miss that once I get back to school. Sleeping in is going to be a twice every other week thing now ehhh since On Monday Wednesday Fridays I have class from 9 till like 4 then on Tuesday Thursdays I either have work at 10 or class at 10. Should be fun...eh. I liked having class on MWF's at 11 at the earliest haha. I like my sleep what can I say?

Ok well I'm off to procrastinate some more...

4ish Days till Funcie

I'm putting off yet again finishing my RA application haha I hate applications that make me evaluate myself. Plus all I can smell is food and I'm hungry, lunch was a long time ago. Of course I put off finishing this early because I was hungry for lunch, then I watched 7th Heaven then played Wii for a couple of hours haha. I'll finish it tonight I swear! I only have two questions to go! They're just very involved questions. :-(

Anyways really ready to head back to school and get back to school life. I hate not being around people my age all the time. Life isn't as exciting or fun at home. Not that I expect life to be exciting 24/7. Gotta be realistic eh.

Anyways gave up on the Top 10 of 09' list...ran out of time and didn't want to fool with it, oh well. Lets just say both Paramore and Say Anything have been getting a lot of plays on my ipod lately.

Probably the first break ever that hasn't seemed like an eternity. I shouldn't talk because I still have 4 days left and who knows how long they'll take ahh.

Well I should try and finish this application or go play ninja warz or something super productive like that. :-)

1 Week Down 2 to Go

Well less than 14 days to go until I'm back at good ole' BSU. I've had enough of a break time to go back now...thanks! I'm kinda ready to hit the books again, I don't know I like it to some degree studying and going to class.

About halfway through the first season of The OC. But the thing I've been most interested in doing is reading the story haha. I'm getting attached to those characters again. But yet I still don't feel compelled to continue writing it. For now I'm just enjoying re-reading...if I wasn't so dialogue driven it wouldn't be half bad...but hey I enjoy it haha but I think if it was anyone but me reading they'd think it's crap but oh well, that'll probably never happen, so I'm not going to worry about it.

Anyways today I started thinking about compiling my Top 10 list of 2009. So look for that possibly sometime this week, I already know a few right off the bat. The bottom five or so may be difficult we'll see.

3 Weeks Off

The fall semester is over so that means I'm at home for three weeks for the Holidays. Plans include finishing Season 2 of Gossip Girl, starting into The O.C. series, and we have a huge line up of movies to watch. Aside from lots of laying around relaxing and watching various things on TV. I plan on hanging out with Adam, possibly going to a hockey game or some other stuff we come up with haha.

Anyways I'll possibly update this more over these three weeks. I like not having homework to think about. :-)

Whoa I Live

Sorry for lack of updates haven't been spending much time on the computer aside from academics. Yeahhh exciting haha.

Class. Work. Get a Cold. Class. Work. Get rid of the cold. Class. Work. Stomach acts up. Class. Work. Get another cold.

Story of my Sophmore year so far. Lets hope I can atleast get rid of the sickness ones. Pleassseee!

Whoaaa College

So I'm officially done with my first two day of classes this semester. My mother would yell at me and hit me upside the head if she knew how much money I've spent in not even two weeks. Most of it is school related and I'll just leave it at that.

Anyways so far classes are going well, just going to have a lot of homework and studying to keep up with this semester...fun fun. So I don't know how regularly I'll be able to update this blog but I'll try when I actually think about it. Right now my mind is a mess of Art History, Spanish, Geography, History...TCOM....English...oh you know the excitement of my classes...ahh.

Ok well off to google translator so I can actually decipher what I'm supposed to be doing for espanol.