There's so many bridges engulfed in flames behind me

Everybody else in this house just gives up or backs out of things. Makes me feel like not pushing on. I can't make anyone happy these days. Yes I have a car now, and apparently I don't drive it enough. Sorry for being careful with my money but I guess that's wrong too according to numerous people.

All of this is just giving me a headache. I feel like lying in this bed for 3 days and not moving then maybe atleast I wouldn't be dragging everyday at work. Speaking of which I'm not as good as the other staffers, I'm not as old or as educated. I'm the young in-experienced one. I'm the one who gets cussed out by patrons. I'm the one who gets to deal with a lot of crap. It doesn't matter that I made 750+ butterflies today or that I cut out the center of 150 paper plates or that I have more sections of shelf reading than anyone else or that I clean up other people's messes and have to deal with kicking kids out of the computer lab the hard way because people are too lazy to write numbers down when they know we're going to get slammed that day.

Beat me up so more go ahead. I just want to hit fast forward. I have 8 weeks left in this hell hole known as Ft. Wayne. People wonder why I want to leave and never come back. The whole mentality sucks here. I don't want to be my grandparents and drive 40,000 miles a year for entertainment purposes. Yeah it's nice to go and do things but if I'm just driving to drive and have no destination or purpose for driving then why waste the gas or put the miles on my car?

People say they have anxiety...bull shit. Don't talk to me about anxiety. They're the ones who cause my damn anxiety. I have sleepless nights full of nausea. I wake up in the middle of the night dripping in sweat with my heart pounding. I have fears plenty of them. No way in hell do want to depend on a chemical to correct this though. Fuck that. I can deal without that shit. Unless you have a fear of like everyday things like I don't know going to the grocery or something you're fine. Suck it up and learn to deal, it's life.

As you can tell I'm fairly angry right now. I'm frustrated with myself, my job, and with being at home. I just want to get out of here and away from this place that just sucks the life out of me. It's like a leech slowly draining my spirit...I crave things like going to class, walking to go like everywhere I need to go, other things aside from PBJ for lunch, a normal schedule, getting decent sleep, getting to hangout with people who don't constantly bitch at me all the time about this and that, and oh yeah not having to worry about my personal property being damaged or sold. Plus I'm tired of having to worry...I do worry you know? Worry that I'm very replaceable. That I'm not around enough to justify keeping me around. Worry that all I do is say the wrong things and do something stupid.

Ah well I guess I'll have to take my own damn advice and stop bitching and suck it up.