Don't Take Anything For Granted, Stand Outside In the Rain, An Excuse You Know I Planned it.


I failed to mention yesterday that I broke the news to Erin that due to the school's lovely letter I couldn't participate in Senior Skip Day and won't be going to Cedar Point this summer. So this morning I got yelled at because apparently we've been planning this for years. Which I guess in a way we have. But atleast we got to go last year. Which was fun. But this year I can't just drop a 100 bucks on a trip. I have more important things to spend my money on this year. I need stuff for my dorm. Stuff to help aid my education. I'm planning on hopefully having a job by then. So I actually may be working and I'm going to need to get all the hours I can.



Just because furthering her education isn't a huge priority in her life, doesn't mean that it's not one of mine. Sometimes she fails to see the big picture. Fails to see more important things than going to Cedar Point. Besides, what have I been planning to do for years but have never done? Go to Warped Tour. That would've capped off a perfect summer last year, but thanks to her it didn't happen. I had the tickets...free. But no that dream was killed. Like mentioned before, we did get to go on our own to Cedar Point last year and it was amazing.

Sometimes, it's just not worth it if it can possibly mean a court date. Not when there's only a little over 3 months left of high school. It's not my problem that she doesn't want to participate in the upcoming Senior events that school actually condones. We won't be the friends who went to prom together, or to the senior picnic. I plan on going to those things with other friends. I'm not going to regret next year that I didn't go to the prom during high school....I'm sorry if this sounds lame but I think it's just one of the high school experiences you should have and I think that she may regret not going. But whatever, not my problem, I'm going to make the most of the rest of my Senior year.

Besdies rumor has it that Senior Skip Day is next Friday? What the hell am I going to do in March in this town? It'll still be cold, nothing is open, and it'll probably snow. Ah I'll pass. In other good news. I got an A- on my Spanish test! A vast improvement from the D I got on the last one. I was disappointed that we didn't cookies but atleast I got a good grade. I realized studying...really does help haha. Ah well speaking of Spanish I should probably do my homework.

Atleast It's not another March Birthday.

Only because he's the drummer and get's forgotten a lot of the times. And I usually only mention Jordan's birthday...yeah that's my inner teeny-bopper sue me.

March Birthdays, shall I make a list just because I'm bored. I'll try to get them in chronilogical order.

March 1st- Josh

March 2nd-Grandpa

March 3rd- Kyle (was also my Grandma's birthday)

March 4th(I think)- Luke

March 6th(I think)-Derek

March 8th-Andy

March 9th-Chad (not related and don't know in person but whatever lol)

March 12th or 21st not sure which-Michelle

March 29th- one of the many cousins & Tristan

March 31st- ME! & Ana

So yeah. Go us March Babies I guess. I'm sure I'm forgetting someone. Tomorrow I play Laser Tag in P.E. I won't lie, I suck but I'm pretty excited about it. Worst part of the day will be 4th period. Pre-Calc quiz that I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail. My math teacher picked a fine time to adopt a Guatemalean kid and be gone for a week...ah. I hate imaginary numbers....and dividing polynomials. Not hard but I always seem to screw some aspect of it up. I'm tired, so I'm going to go to bed.

February Just Needs to End.

No school again today due to snow. Good thing I stocked up on DVDs at the Library Sunday. I've spent the day watching ER and The O.C. haha. I suppose that's better than spending endless hours on the computer.

So I have plans for my birthday already. Let's just say a new tradition is starting in regards to my birthday and this will make it the 2nd consecutive year this takes place. It's a good thing my birthday is over Spring Break :) . I'm actually pretty lame and think I'm going to post a facebook event and just see if anyone else wants to join us. The more the merrier. More details coming soon. I figure spend my money something else I enjoy since Cedar Point has been axed for me. I'm glad we went last June and we got to ride the Maverick :) This year's road trip will be ...well in state, and on my birthday :). Haha wow I'm using wayyy too many smiley faces. Plus there will be countless road trips down to Muncie and back this year as well.

This weekend is booked. Eh. Nobody wants to do anything on Saturday but on Sunday I'm supposed to go shopping for Prom dresses with my mom and aunt. Then Josh IM'd me Sunday I think and wants me to go bowling but I can't because....we're having a birthday party for my Grandpa that day after shopping. Maybe he'll want to come on our little expedition over Spring Break...I'll buy or make cupcakes and we'll have a joint birthday celebration...30 days late for him lol. Erin can bring Zak? But then it'd be a double date and that's definately not my intention with Josh...just wanna hangout, since we haven't since god...last May? ha yeah we're pathetic. We live 15 minutes away from eachother. I love this part of growing up though. Becoming independent and doing things with minimal parental supervision. It gives me a sense of empowerment and freedom. I love it.

Gopher Cam?!

I've spent almost the last 3 hours watching drivers being interviewed on Fox. Seriously. It takes that long to dry a race track. Now I'm tired of watching so I'll probably just pop in a DVD and call it a day. Highlights of the broadcast have been a random guy wearing a robe and drinking coffee walking around the pits, and the naming of the "gopher cam" Exciting huh?

Oh! I'm going to have another cousin in October. Yep. Number NINE for my Aunt and Uncle. My family needs a reality show. I think people would watch and be enertained. Random dudes coming to our door asking to buy our car...my brother constantly breaking the toilet. My Mom and brother always randomly bursting out into song/dance. Sometimes I feel like the most sane one.

This morning was interesting, I went to go video tape the church service and it turns out the CLHS acapella choir was there. So I saw some people I knew, some I didn't want to see..luckily I always saw them on a TV monitor and they didn't see me. Plus i had to help fix a hymn as soon as I got there, and Camera 1 went down during the sermon, somehow the connection came loose so I had to reconnect it. Ah...I like the excitment of it...it gives me an adrenaline rush.

I also realized this morning that this year I didn't even talk about Feb 23rd, 05'. So kudos to me for being able to move past that. And no it wasn't just the Blink thing either. If you don't know by now, you'll never know. I'm done talking about it that's for sure. I should probably go study my reflexive spanish verbs...but ER is calling my name at the moment. So later kidz.

Frustration

So, I got home today to find a letter in the mail from my school saying I've been excessively absent. That's bull shit. I missed 4 days in October and 3 in February. How are 7 absesnces excessive? They're threatening me by saying if I miss any more days they're going to file an afidavid or whatever it's called against me and take me to court and try to get me thrown into Wood. Ok first off, they were all excused absences. Plus It always has been 6 days each Term. So I should be OK for both terms thus far. God forbid I get sick and I have a fever and can't come to school. They don't want me there with the fever infecting everyone else do they? I can see their point if they were all unexcused absences but I've never in my life been truant. Plus I know a lot of people who've been absent way more than me....Kyle said the other day he was off over a week for having his apendix removed and he was off a few days this term for being sick too...this is bull. If you're legitimly ill they shouldn't punish you for that. We're making up the work...and we have good attendance aside from that. We don't miss every Monday or Friday like some kids do. Worry about them, take them to court. Let me go to school in peace.

Now because of this dumb ass letter I bet my parents won't let me participate in Senior Skip day because I can't afford any more absences. Psh I'll just make sure I grab some college brochures and use it as a college visit day I guess. That way I won't be marked truant, and have to serve an ISS or Tuesday/Thursday school. Man, my school pisses me off.

Work It.

So I'm making an effort. An effort to be a healthier person. I'm thinking more about what kinds of foods I eat and my level of physical activity. So I've been TRYING to lay off the sweets. I know going cold turkey is hard..haha. So, yeah...so far today I've resisted the freshly baked Otis Spunkmeyer cookies...that I was tortured with 1st period. I didn't get chips when we went and played pool like everyone else did. I also avoided the bosco sticks at lunch. Although my salad did have ranch on it...err I'm not giving that up...sorry. And then I caved when I got home and had 3 chocolate hearts. Dammit. But they were good. Now I just have to avoid the remaining choco tacos, the cheesecake, the ding dongs, the chips ahoy! cookies, and whatever else is lurking around here. Home is hard....school is easy because their food sucks.

I kinda sorta jogged today for 15 minutes. Lol. Well I figure I'm pretty out of shape so I'm going to work my way up. And do crunches and what not. I did notice though that I was able to go that amount of time non stop where as previously this year I wasn't able to go five minutes without feeling like I was dying. I probably could've gone longer but I didn't know when the parents would be home. And I think it'd be awkward if my parents saw me working out aside from DDR. I'm planning on jogging around the neighborhood once this weather warms up and it's not snowing every other day. So yeah that's the plan Stan. Now I just have to stick to it. Like they say on TV, it's not a diet...it's a lifestyle change. I figure I need to establish some kind of healthy routine before going into college so I don't put on the freshmen 15+ haha. I think I've already put on the Senior 5-10...ehh. Not that I'm obviously heavier but I can tell....I see me naked. I know. But I think this will help me feel better about myself, plus I already feel more energized. Josh just told me to read his new note on Facebook so tis all for me know kidz!

I'm Cheezy But I don't Care.

So I got a newish DVD player today!!! YES! No more waiting 2 HOURS for a disc to load! So I just tested it out to see how radtastic it is, and I put in the first NFG dvd and just go to the music vids, and click on My Friends Over You. Did you know that somewhere in the middle, Ian says hold up and the music stops and he farts?!? lol. I've seen this video millions of times online or on TV over the past 6 years and I had yet to see that version of the video, because I think I only watched the orginal version of Hit or Miss on the DVD. Anyways this was the highlight of my day! Because I'm lame like that.

haha. I'm sorry but I guess I'm easily amused by finding out things I've never seen before. Now I have to get focused enough to do my Spanish homework. Seriously....I'm going to fail that class. I got a C+ on the last test...and D on the one I took yesterday..a low D....not good. I knew the vocab and what I was doing, but the damn questions were written in Spanish and I didn't know all of those words...errr oops. I neeeeed Extra Credit...ASAP. Miracously I still have a B in the class somehow. Just gotta get a C-. I don't care if my academic advisor looks at that puts me back in first year Spanish next year because of that....I probably need to be put there lmao.

Alright well I'm going to go get to work...or watch that video again lol...and then we're having Tacos...and maybe I'll have a Choco-Taco for dessert since we bought some last night..haha. I've seriously always wanted to try one after I read an interview where Jordan was talking about them, and now...there are four of em' in my freezer haha. Yeah...Sarah is Cheezy and Lame Today. Deal with it.

So Here I Go...

I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling today. Overall, it was good day as far as days go. I'm just left wanting more. I'm left wanting to feel better about today even though it was considerably good. I'm crashing. I'm scared.

I can run all I want, but the pain my arm....it'll still be there. This empty feeling, will always be there. The longing to see him....will always be there. The day dreams and dreams I have while sleeping of him will always be there. Bad scenarios running through my mind will always be there.

Sure I can go to the doctor...they'll give me pills. Pills that only spell trouble. Pills I refuse to have in my house. They won't fix anything anyways. The source of the pain won't go away it'll just be temporarily masked. I don't want to go through life in a drug induced daze. Besides, they won't cure the lonley feeling I get from everything else. The constant nagging in my brain to do more to do better will always be there.

Everyone's moving on without me.....they develop new relationships. I haven't. Not since freshmen year. It makes me feel developmentally challenged like there's something wrong with me. I've always been shorter, smaller in many ways, I wasn't done losing baby teeth until my freshmen year. Now I'm going into college only having had one boyfriend. Which lasted a whole 2 weeks. I've only ever kissed one person. I was 14. I'll be 18 at the end of March. So I'd sure as hell like to know what's wrong with me....am I that repuslive?

The Drops Of Rain Fall All Over...

I feel disconnected. From myself. From everything. All I feel is tired and weak. I've been struggling with fatigue for quite some time now. It worries me. I come home from school, fall asleep around4 and don't wake up till almost 7 everyday. Then I go to bed 4 hours later at 11. This weekend, I slept in until atleast 11 everyday and yet again napped from 4-7. It worries me that I still feel so tired and weak after all of this sleep. I'm eating regularly and certainly sleeping, so what's the problem? I just get so weak, that I have to lay down....seriously right now I'm thinking wow....lets end this blog and go lay down in bed and watch TV it'll feel better.

I still have a cough leftover from being sick, and it's painful at times. Not as much as the last time I had bronchitis in October/November, but it still hurts/burns to breathe at times. I get this pain that shoots from my ribs down my legs. Maybe it's all in my head, I don't know....I just know I don't like it and want it to go away. I want to feel alive again. I want to have energy to do things. I don't want to think about the worst...but it keeps crossing my mind...I keep running scenarios through my head of how I'd break the news. Just the very thought scares me. I don't even know why I think like this. A normal 17 year old girl shouldn't be thinking like this. But obviously I've never been normal...but I wouldn't mind taking normal for a spin for once. Teach me how to be/feel normal....save me from this aching.

I'll Accept With Poise and Grace...

Today was cool. Got new seats in Spanish, my companero is awesome. Went and played racquet ball today at Summit City, I suck but it was still fun. Short buses are amazing. Haha. Went to lunch, Jordan and I shared a pack of heart shaped zebra cakes. Yummers. Then Kyle and friends came over and sat with me. That was fun. I got all my Pre-Calc done. Finished my project for Danley and my Spanish homework.

And that entry was incredibly boring and lame but I still liked today a lot so yeah. Atleast it's not depressing! I want to go to a show on March 1st but I just realized that's Josh's birthday so...maybe not. Depends on whether he has a party or not...he said something about having one but we'll see. I'm boring, and when I'm good....I have nothing to say haha. So tis all for me today.

*Yawn*

I went to school today...first time since last Wednesday. Don't have too much to make up. So it's all good. I just want to lay down and sleep now. I'm tired and sore. Then I should review spanish, and work on Pre-Calc or my new Marketing project but we'll see how ambitious I'm feeling.

Seriously I have nothing else to say...it's snowing and yeah. I'm ready for warm weather, all it does around here is snow, rain, flood....freeze over and start all over again. Throw in some sub-zero windchills...and you've got our lovely weather half of the year. Then this summer it'll be a 100 degrees...and I'll me miserable but ya know....whatever.

Realizations for the weekend.

Is it possible to go through the five stages of grieving without actually grieving the loss of someone? Can you grieve your past to put it behind you, so that you can start over? You haven't necessarily experienced all of the stages in the order that they're "normally" supposed to happen but you're pretty sure you've gone through most of them without really losing anyone.

Denial
Deinal kind of happens during all the bad....you don't want to accept what's happening. It can't be happening to you because well....it just can't. It shouldn't happen to anyone but it does. It's one of those things that just happens and you are foreced to deal with it. So you do, that doesn't make it any easier.

Bargaining
You think...these things that could make it all go away, make it all better. Being better at every thing. The truth is, it's not in your hands...as much as you blame yourself...there's no reason to. So instead you just try to better yourself in hopes that that will somehow make a difference.

Depression
Finally it sets in. This is the part that lasts the longest. Long days, long nights. It's got you thinking dangerous thoughts. Feeling hopeless.....nothing is changing. You see those commercials for those anti-depressants and find yourself nodding along with them. You watch Oprah and they have people on who have SAD (seasonal affectiveness? disorder) which is basically the winter makes you this way due to lack of sun...but you've felt this way in other seasons too so you know it can't be that. Then you start thinking you're nuts. Am I Bi-polar? what the fuck is going on here? I don't really have manic episodes though...so obviously I'll get through this. I'm not out of my mind...it's going to be ok. You get over the hump...things are going good for awhile...

Anger
People and their dumb ass choices set you off. Actually the first person who makes you angry didn't do anything to you....or make a bad choice. It was all just jealousy on your part. Which is stupid now that you think about it. So you definately hold nothing against them now...besides that anger was definately short lived.

So there's a short period of "non-anger" if that makes any sense. You realize somewhere in the middle of all this how freakin' luck you are. You've gotten into college, that's somewhere out of the city. This damn city you were afraid you'd be stuck in for the next for years. That was one of your fears for the past few years, things are looking good. You're getting your shit together and people around you are too....kudos to everyone.

People however are idiots. They make stupid ass decisions. Decisions you're not going to put up with. Decisions that have pushed you too far. You've made a concious decision about how you're going to live your life and the people you're going to surround yourself with. You're all about people doing what they want to do to some extent, until the actions start affecting other people in negative ways. You're done, you're not going down that road again, not with everything looking up you're not going to let somebody elses actions bring you down. Why should you have to settle and put up with this all over again. The answer is...you're not. You're going to do whatever you need to do to successful in accomplishing your goals, honestly at this point you don't care who you leave behind. You only really need a select few people and you know they've already seen you through most of this process. People come and go in and out of our lives. Sometimes it's for the best.

Acceptance.
The only thing that's left is acceptance. Not quite there yet...but someday....I'll be there. I've already made great strides in a short period of time. Still have to deal with the anger so I can move past it. I'm doing this for me...and it's something I have to do. So don't try to get me to change my ways because I've got big plans for myself...and I know what I want, and what I don't want out of life.

Fever Dreams...They Always Haunt You Until the Fever Breaks.

Hey kids, I've been sick the past two days. Fever...it was up to 102. Chills and fevers suck big time. So I've been home from school the past two days as well. Atleast I don't think it's Bronchitis this time, thank god. And....the only make up work I'll have is in pre-calc just a review, and....in Spanish but he posts all the assignments on edline so I'm going to try and get them done this weekend.

Alright well I'm going to go lye down more...and watch Las Vegas. Because I really don't have anything to say...well I do but I really don't feel like getting into it right now.

Fight With Your Barehands About It Now.....

Observation of the day: Shooting pain down your arm while trying to concentrate and take tests all day is not fun.

Two hour delay today...probably have another one again tommorrow for fog. It's already thick. Which is good for me, I can attempt to get more sleep. Several people told me today I looked tired....well waking up constantly at night isn't helping. That and I stayed up to watch House last night after the Super Bowl.

Since I have nothing to watch tonight until No Reservations, I'm going to work hardcore on this marketing project. Try to actually get it done aside from printing stuff off and put it on my posterboard. Here's my declartation, I will not blog again until I finish this project. That includes sticking everything on the posterboard. So if you don't see another blog from me until Friday you'll know it's because I'm a horrible procrastinator and I have put off doing this project...grr. Gotta set goals for yourself though right?

I need new music. Give me Suggestions pleaseeee! I'm open to pretty much everything, drop me links to listen online. Now...enough procrastinating...I'm off to work.

New Jack's

"I have become increasingly
Overwhelmed when I'm in public
I'm not so patient when they stare"

Someday....I'll be Ok.

My arm is becoming more of a nuisance lately. The other night I had a dream where my arm started hurting...soon after I woke up in pain that made me want to scream. Last night I couldn't get comfortable enough to sleep worth beans. So after lying in bed sleepless until 2 AM I drug myself out of bed and put on some icy hot. It helped enough to relax me to get me to sleep...needless to say I now smell minty fresh. haha. I'm scared to find out what's wrong with it, I'm scared of potential treatment options, scared of surgery, scared that this pain will only get worse and never go away.

All these coupled with overwhelming negativity coming from family members who should be supportive has not made for a fun weekend. My grandparents see college as a waste of money. I've been told I shouldn't go, there won't be any jobs for me if I wait that long to get one....no jobs in the field I want to get into. If I go, I should really change my major....computer, you don't need one of those. blah blah blah. You should really stay home if you must go to college, moving away is toooo expensive. This is the reason why I need to leave...I have to get away from the negative side of the family. My mom's side is super supportive and all like whoo go Sarah! But I don't need the negativity. I'm already freaked out enough about this stuff. It's not the classes or the work, or the roommate thing that freaks me out....it's the whole wow what if I get a bad freakin' case of Bronchitis again? What if it's pneumonia this time? Because of my past rib injuries I'm prone to getting Bronchitis, Pneumonia, and Plurisie(sp?)....don't go getting yourself kicked in the ribs playing soccer kids. When I get knocked down with that stuff, I fall hard. This past year when I had it....I was in bed for a week...trying not to cough up my lungs.....battling a fever, nausea, dizziness.....couldn't barely eat. I almost passed out...shoot man, I know I was home alone suffering during the day....but still being even only an hour or so away from home is kind of like eeeehhh in those situations.

Well....I have to end it....the negative duo are on their way over. Great...

Snow Day

We got 7ish inches of snow last night plus freezing rain so no school today, supposed to get another 2-4 inches by tonight. I'm not complaining though, I got to sleep in today and now I feel atleast semi-alive for once. The past few days I've been exhausted, tired all day at school, even slept in 4th period yesterday for a good 45 mins, then I've been coming home from school and sleeping for a good 2-3 hours. Then even going to bed early too. Hopefully it's just me needing more sleep or fighting off a cold and nothing more than that.

I'm about to start planning a trip to the Amazon...haha not for real, it's for a class project. I figure I'll try and get most of this done this weekend so I won't have to mess with it during the week. Plus I need some color printouts and such. Plus I need to review for my Spanish test on Monday too...but other than that I don't have anything going on this weekend....unless...sledding anyone? ha, had to ask.

I don't really have anything super-interesting to talk about today so I'm going to get started on this project.