Just a Little Something

Realizations for the weekend.

Is it possible to go through the five stages of grieving without actually grieving the loss of someone? Can you grieve your past to put it behind you, so that you can start over? You haven't necessarily experienced all of the stages in the order that they're "normally" supposed to happen but you're pretty sure you've gone through most of them without really losing anyone.

Denial
Deinal kind of happens during all the bad....you don't want to accept what's happening. It can't be happening to you because well....it just can't. It shouldn't happen to anyone but it does. It's one of those things that just happens and you are foreced to deal with it. So you do, that doesn't make it any easier.

Bargaining
You think...these things that could make it all go away, make it all better. Being better at every thing. The truth is, it's not in your hands...as much as you blame yourself...there's no reason to. So instead you just try to better yourself in hopes that that will somehow make a difference.

Depression
Finally it sets in. This is the part that lasts the longest. Long days, long nights. It's got you thinking dangerous thoughts. Feeling hopeless.....nothing is changing. You see those commercials for those anti-depressants and find yourself nodding along with them. You watch Oprah and they have people on who have SAD (seasonal affectiveness? disorder) which is basically the winter makes you this way due to lack of sun...but you've felt this way in other seasons too so you know it can't be that. Then you start thinking you're nuts. Am I Bi-polar? what the fuck is going on here? I don't really have manic episodes though...so obviously I'll get through this. I'm not out of my mind...it's going to be ok. You get over the hump...things are going good for awhile...

Anger
People and their dumb ass choices set you off. Actually the first person who makes you angry didn't do anything to you....or make a bad choice. It was all just jealousy on your part. Which is stupid now that you think about it. So you definately hold nothing against them now...besides that anger was definately short lived.

So there's a short period of "non-anger" if that makes any sense. You realize somewhere in the middle of all this how freakin' luck you are. You've gotten into college, that's somewhere out of the city. This damn city you were afraid you'd be stuck in for the next for years. That was one of your fears for the past few years, things are looking good. You're getting your shit together and people around you are too....kudos to everyone.

People however are idiots. They make stupid ass decisions. Decisions you're not going to put up with. Decisions that have pushed you too far. You've made a concious decision about how you're going to live your life and the people you're going to surround yourself with. You're all about people doing what they want to do to some extent, until the actions start affecting other people in negative ways. You're done, you're not going down that road again, not with everything looking up you're not going to let somebody elses actions bring you down. Why should you have to settle and put up with this all over again. The answer is...you're not. You're going to do whatever you need to do to successful in accomplishing your goals, honestly at this point you don't care who you leave behind. You only really need a select few people and you know they've already seen you through most of this process. People come and go in and out of our lives. Sometimes it's for the best.

Acceptance.
The only thing that's left is acceptance. Not quite there yet...but someday....I'll be there. I've already made great strides in a short period of time. Still have to deal with the anger so I can move past it. I'm doing this for me...and it's something I have to do. So don't try to get me to change my ways because I've got big plans for myself...and I know what I want, and what I don't want out of life.