Oh Snap

I've had to crack into the ole' Blogger account again for a class. So maybe I'll post here again? First time since this summer when I vowed to never blog again on here. Maybe I'm back with more irrelevance?

We shall see, I do have a tumblr and all that craziness.

For now Hi to all you creepers from ENG 335, as you read my comments I leave, you know to get out of my C- I have in class participation. Hey he wanted my input so he's going to get it. I'm apathetic towards politics, and may not have insightful things to say. Oh well...it's participating right?

Lets See...

If last year there was roughly 100 days of summer and this summer is very similar I'm sure. I have 53 days as of today until I go back to school so that means by the end of the week summer will be half over. Which is ironic when you think about it, because today is the first official day of summer.

At least I know that for the whole month of July I will be working which is great. I don't know about any work in August though we shall see, well at the library anyways. I know I'm going to be working my ass off on desk at school when we go back for the first two weeks, can we say probably a 40 hour check for the first pay period? Yeah it's going to be that insane.

I'm ready though, the only thing I want to do the rest of the summer is have fun with Adam when possible (when we're both not working haha), find some stuff in my room I've been looking for that I really need to find, and then get my bike out so I can start building up that cardio endurance again that I had the summer before my freshman year of college so I'm not dying in aerobics this fall. I know I can do it, it's just a matter of getting back into shape. I noticed yesterday that my lifting at work has definitely toned my arms, maybe not Jillian Micheals toned but if I flex there's definite muscle definition.

So now I just wait for financial aid award letter, which will come in July hopefully. And for roommate assignment which will probably come towards the end of July. I'm more nervous about the second one. What are the odds that I'll get another roommate who's pretty cool?

But anyways I thought I'd just express my excitement at realizing summer is pretty much half-way over. On July 14th, I'll have roughly a month to go. And that's roughly 3 weeks away so yeah. A month and 3 weeks to go. As much as I don't like work sometimes it really does help the days not drag sometimes. Having fun people at work helps like Lauren and Elaine. Anyways I should get dressed or something for the day.

Day 19 – A song from your favorite album

First off I don't know if I'll ever be able to declare a favorite album. But this one is definitely in the top. So check it out. Totally different from Your Favorite Weapon but in a good way. I remember buying this album back in the day at Mejier you know when I bought cds and played the shit out of them. Anyways enjoy.

Day 18 – A song that you wish you heard on the radio

Everyone could use a little folds in their life. Maybe this is just because I grew up listening to my parents play Elton John and Billy Joel haha.

Music lesson numero uno: when exiting your vehicle for work make sure your ipod is on pause so that when you come out to plug it again to go home it's not dead. It was stashed away and secure just well playing the 9 hours I was at work haha.

By the way lately I've been feeling out of touch with music and I don't like this feeling that paired with some intense feelings of homesickness have not made for good feelings lately. So give me some music or something get me back in touch. Working at a library sucks all good sounds out of my life :-(. All I get is screaming children :-/.

Day 17 – A song that you hear often on the radio

First off I don't listen to a lot of radio. Except when I'm in the car with my parents or at school in the bathroom. Otherwise I don't usually have the radio on. It's either Itunes, my ipod, internet streaming radio, or cds. So if this song isn't relevant still on the radio then oh well haha beats me I just knew it was played a lot when I was taking showers or brushing my teeth at school.

Hi.

Anybody want to buy a volvo? I'm sick of having a car already. Everybody has expectations from me now. I hate driving now. I hate work. I hate my brain. I hate my stomach. I hate that all I do is have people unhappy with me. I hate that I'm the party pooper. I hate my body. I hate that nobody gets it. But oh well no one ever has. I just want things to go back to the way they were. Before this dumb car came into my life. I just want my old life back where everybody was happy or at least more happy than they are now.

I'm starting to think I don't deserve happiness. It's just my job to try to make people happy but I'm starting to think more and more that I don't matter. As long as others are happy I won't be miserable and I guess not being miserable is an ok settlement between happy and miserable. If I'm upset oh well...the world doesn't care. I get it. It's my problem I'm upset...I do it to myself.

There's so many bridges engulfed in flames behind me

Everybody else in this house just gives up or backs out of things. Makes me feel like not pushing on. I can't make anyone happy these days. Yes I have a car now, and apparently I don't drive it enough. Sorry for being careful with my money but I guess that's wrong too according to numerous people.

All of this is just giving me a headache. I feel like lying in this bed for 3 days and not moving then maybe atleast I wouldn't be dragging everyday at work. Speaking of which I'm not as good as the other staffers, I'm not as old or as educated. I'm the young in-experienced one. I'm the one who gets cussed out by patrons. I'm the one who gets to deal with a lot of crap. It doesn't matter that I made 750+ butterflies today or that I cut out the center of 150 paper plates or that I have more sections of shelf reading than anyone else or that I clean up other people's messes and have to deal with kicking kids out of the computer lab the hard way because people are too lazy to write numbers down when they know we're going to get slammed that day.

Beat me up so more go ahead. I just want to hit fast forward. I have 8 weeks left in this hell hole known as Ft. Wayne. People wonder why I want to leave and never come back. The whole mentality sucks here. I don't want to be my grandparents and drive 40,000 miles a year for entertainment purposes. Yeah it's nice to go and do things but if I'm just driving to drive and have no destination or purpose for driving then why waste the gas or put the miles on my car?

People say they have anxiety...bull shit. Don't talk to me about anxiety. They're the ones who cause my damn anxiety. I have sleepless nights full of nausea. I wake up in the middle of the night dripping in sweat with my heart pounding. I have fears plenty of them. No way in hell do want to depend on a chemical to correct this though. Fuck that. I can deal without that shit. Unless you have a fear of like everyday things like I don't know going to the grocery or something you're fine. Suck it up and learn to deal, it's life.

As you can tell I'm fairly angry right now. I'm frustrated with myself, my job, and with being at home. I just want to get out of here and away from this place that just sucks the life out of me. It's like a leech slowly draining my spirit...I crave things like going to class, walking to go like everywhere I need to go, other things aside from PBJ for lunch, a normal schedule, getting decent sleep, getting to hangout with people who don't constantly bitch at me all the time about this and that, and oh yeah not having to worry about my personal property being damaged or sold. Plus I'm tired of having to worry...I do worry you know? Worry that I'm very replaceable. That I'm not around enough to justify keeping me around. Worry that all I do is say the wrong things and do something stupid.

Ah well I guess I'll have to take my own damn advice and stop bitching and suck it up.

Day 16 – A song that you used to love but now hate

First off hate is such a strong word so I'm going to say I dislike this song now. Probably because I'm come to realize that Simple Plan was just another band that popped up during the Pop Punk Era and they died. Their lyrics to me now are very generic and full of teenage angst...and yeah I was angsty if you don't believe me go back and read. Sure I have my angsty moments now but I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be.

Man I'm ready for a nap...

Day 15 – A song that describes you

Haha I don't know. I'm not 21 yet but I'm approaching so...I don't know this popped in my head when I went to answer the Day 15 thing so I just went with it. Plus it's an acoustic version and Andrew makes a wierd face when he sings the Whoas, so yeah just listen and enjoy.

Plus I'm amped up because I'm possibly getting a car tomorrow. Oh yes...Sarah may be mobile.

Something Left to Give...

So as I'm sitting here waiting for my brownies to cool I've just been listening to music and thinking about how this past week at work we've started doing book lists again and I happened to get the one that had to do with children and grieving. This threw me back to the story and really made me want to go back and re-read it yet again. I have to believe that it's some of my best work fiction wise. (I've written way better non fiction shiz for classes but it's not the same kind of animal.)

I guess that just goes to show that I'm still attached to those characters a little bit. Not as much as I used to be because I can't seem to continue on with it, but I still like to go back and remember. Just like to go back and re-read old blog entries to remember or try to bury things further in the past depending on the situation or time. I think re-reading blog entries especially is just one more way to know that things were real that they really did happen. I really did feel those things.

I've also noticed that my musical tastes have changed based on emotions/things that are going on in my life. Some songs that used to be on repeat are frankly depressing to me now. Or at least when I listen to them it in a way takes me back to what I was feeling when I played the shit out of them. Late nights with my good ole' Dell jukebox listening to music to block out everything else. I'm not who I used to be...I find myself no longer expecting the worse as often but thinking about the great things that the future may hold for me. I still hurt and ache but I try not to let myself have the time to sit around and dwell on that. My biggest challenge at the moment in my life is just finding enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do. Like re-reading things haha or watching dvds or listening to music or even reading other books.

But I'm also tired especially at the moment, so I am going to go check to see if my brownies are cool enough for foil and then get some sleep so I'm ready for what tomorrow has in store.