Just a Little Something

Here I Go...Scream My Lungs Out....

So I stole this from Chris....20ish things that I've really never told anyone. So some of you may know these but most of you don't.

1.I have fairly bad anxiexty. The future stresses me out. I've lost sleep due to anxiety attacks. I've also missed school due to anxiety a few times. I get really shakey and feel like I'm going to puke....sometimes I can't breathe...but that's only when it gets really bad. I also have like the closest bathroom planned out at school relative to the classroom I go to...because the thought of throwing up stresses me out so much.

2.My freshmen year I was suicidal, I seriously considered ending my life. I had to force myself not to go into the kitchen and grab a knife to slit my wrists. Instead I just resorted to purposely bruising myself. Luckily I haven't been that way since.

3.I'm totally against drinking, smoking, and doing drugs. I'm against smoking because I prefer not to end up with lung cancer...or some other disease related to smoking. I'm agains drinking and drugs because I've seen first hand how they mess people up and that scares me....so I don't want to do that to myself....or put other people through the consequences of my actions.

4. I think I'm in love with one of my best friends and he doesn't know it.

5.I've come to dread Christmas and the weeks following because I hate hearing everyone talk about all the cool things that they've gotten. It makes me embarassed to say what gifts I've recieved.

6.I haven't gone on a real date since my freshmen year of high school. I've been to scared, that a guy might try and take advantage of me again.

7.I worry about my weight too much. I'll skip meals, or not eat very much because I think I'm too fat. Even though I can wear the same pair of jeans that I got the beginning of my 8th grade year and t-shirts from 4th grade.

8.I wanted to transfer out of Concordia after about the first month of school. I hated it there. Until I met some cool people, then I was sad about leaving. I still miss it sometimes. Mostly certain people and my private school food. BBQ potatoe chips, zebra cakes, and pineapple orange banana juice lmao.

9.I have this gut feeling that I'm not going to get into college at all except for IPFW. Then I'll be stuck getting some major I don't even want to get. I've gotten used to being let down.

10.I'm scared that by the age of thirty I'll have lost all function/motion of my hands and wrists due to carpal tunnel or whatever the hell is wrong with them. This problem has only been getting worse since 7th grade. It's so bad that some days I want to scream in pain. I'm scared of going to the orthopedic doctor because I think they're just going to perscribe me pain meds and I don't want to be an enabler. So for now I just live with it.

11.I think I'm ugly. I think that my hair constantly sucks, that I'm too pale, ect.

12.I spend more weekends at home alone in my room than out with friends.

13.I've only ever kissed one boy, and it wasn't the greatest experience in the world....he slobbered all over me. That was almost 4 years ago.

14.I tend to be negative about things and point out the downside or consequences of things to people. I think that annoys people. So I'm sorry.

15.In like 5th grade I was obessed with Aaron Carter but no one ever knew haha. I was always trying to get up the courage to ask my parents to buy me an Aaron Carter CD lmao...but I never did ask. Thank God.

16.In 7th grade I'd find random bands on purevolume (mp3.com that's what it used to be back in the day) and download their songs and act all superior because I was listening to a band that no one had ever heard of. When they were like bands from Texas who only had ever played like 2 shows and then broke up haha.

17.I can be very self-ish. For example I don't want kids because they cost too much money lol. Plus I've very stingy and won't buy anything without like comparing prices first. I've actually talked myself out of buying things I've really wanted many times.

18.I secretly like want to change up my style....but am afraid to and don't have the money to really wear what I want to wear. I mean it's not like a humungo lets wear all pink thing.....but sort of different.

19.Contrary to the state of my room I'm actually a pretty organized person. I'm just too lazy to actually clean my room because I know that I don't have a place to put everything. So my attitude is just screw it...I'll deal with it when I move out someday.

20.I really miss playing soccer and playing sports with the guys at recess in elementary/middle school. I had a lot of fun doing those things...and just wish that sometimes I was outside just running around playing football or soccer.