Day 90

I saw KJ tonight at work, haven't seen her inforever, haha fun times junior yeat at lunch with Bob, Ian and company playing BS and then you know not being able to sit in our usual spot due to the drive-by threat this year. Ah oh well just cool seeing her again.

Anyways work was boring...if death was really caused by boredom, I'd be dead. Luckily only 3 more days. And I get off at 6 everyday Thank God.

I'm beginning to hate WOW. It discourages conversation, and...yeah. Lameness. Especially after having a super lame day already. The only highlight of my day so far has been reading my book because it's really good lol. So yeah...if that's the highlight that just proves how lame my day has been.

So I don't know, I guess I'll see how long I'm kept waiting, it' been well over 10 mins already. Almost 20 actually. Argh...I can't stay up late tonight either since I have to get up early for work. This is most definately not helping my day any.

Day 63 Cont...

At the moment I'm trying desperately to write this letter. I don't have one word written down. I've been sitting here almost an hour trying to figure out what to say. It doesn't help that I don't know who I'm addressing, sir? madame? commitie? bsu? I don't know my audience...which is my first road block.

But I think my major roadblock is my instincts. My instinct is not to air this stuff to the public. It scares me. I don't want people to judge me based of other people's actions. Plus, I feel like...its something I don't know enough about to really talk about. The last thing I want to do is present information that contradicts other information that is being presented, that may raise questions and put up red flags which would be horrible...all because I don't have my facts straight.

The details are all fuzzy to me at the moment, and I'll can come up with are a list of apologies...and feelings of patheticness towards myself. The details that aren't fuzzy are the ones that don't pertain to this particular situation and won't help. I'm also honestly afraid I'll go off on a tangent that definately doesn't pertain to the situation at all.

This is exactly why I've put this off...because I'm afraid to fail, and be the let down, and it looks like I'm living up to those self-proclaimed lables. Dammit, if only I could write like I used to. I'm afraid I've lost that part of me....I haven't been able to write like that in a long time.

I need shrink-a-tized don't I? Dr. Phil or Dr. Drew or any shrink really...would have a field day with me.

At the moment, I fear the reprecusions of my lack of sucess.I guess I better hope the writing juices start flowing here or I'm up shit's creek.

Day 32

Friday and Saturday were pretty awesome...but today I apparently fail. So...yeah, Sorry.

I'm sitting here waiting, I had to go eat, I said well I'll talk to you later, and got the maybe response. So...yeah, that means I fail. I'm never going to get this right am I?

I hate times like these because I constantly beat myself up about it, makes my stomach hurt. Gah.

Somebody needs to give me special powers so I can never be tired, I need to obviously be like the Cullens and not need to sleep...(ahh my nerdy Twilight reference lol.) Sleeping and needing to rest in general gets me in trouble lately. Really it has...but I don't know what to do; I don't function or feel very well without a good amount of sleep/rest which lately I've been lacking...I try to catch up and then catch shit for it...ehh.

Tuesday Take 2.

I was washing dishes a lil bit ago (you know my one productive activity today) and was just thinking. I hate being stuck in my own head. Can I please have a labatomy and trade in my brain? Thanks.

I'm still stuck in the previous blog entry..that's what I was thinking about anyways. And maybe...I don't know explain myself. When you've been left at home by yourself since 2nd grade...you think a lot...by yourself. It's always been this way...never having "Friends" just acquaintances. It makes it so that when you do get the rare chance to hangout with people it's like...a big buzz. Almost like a high. People wonder why I disliked high school so much? I got robbed. I was anything but typical in high school. You shouldn't go to school and be planning out where the nearest trash can is because you have so much anxiety, because you think that someone is going to come in and make a big disturbance in the middle of one of your classes. Or come home and sleep for 4 hours every day. In my mind that's not something that typical high school kids do after school. I honestly don't know what people do after school. All I ever did was sleep, watch tv, and get on the internet...you know what I do now. Plus...was like this all the time...it's not like I like feeling like this. I hate it.

The friends I did have...are either too busy with other friends, never really got to know me, or have made some questionable choices in my eyes. We always say this friend of ours Jon is too picky about his girls...well maybe I'm too picky about my friends. I don't want to hangout with you if you drink...or do drugs. Maybe I just need to get the stick out of my ass and go play beer pong, light up, or pop some pills. Atleast then I'd have some weekend plans when I'm at home.

I honestly don't know what to think anymore. It's human nature to want to fit in somewhere, to be wanted or atleast thought of enough to be invited to do things. Like I said, when you're not and everyone else is...it eats away at you; little by little and sorry for having a bad day once in awhile. For once...I don't want to be the tag-along, or the after thought...that's what I feel like most of the time. It's just frustrating, wondering how I can be more appealing to people...or what the fuck is wrong with me?